Are you ready for Super Bowl 50 … or to avoid any possible copyright infringement, The Big Game? Don’t worry, you’ve still got plenty of time to gear up for it.
I’m not making any major preparations. I’m working that day, as I have been for the past three or four Super … um … Games. I didn’t even get to watch much of the playoffs, nor did I pay that much attention to them. My New York Giants didn’t really fare too well this season (as is usually the case), and though my fantasy team made it to my league’s playoffs for the second straight season (the Sharknado shall return anew next year!), my team took a massive dump in the first round, and thus my interest in football completely dissolved. I hear the Denver Broncos will be taking on the Carolina Panthers, however, which sounds lovely.
As is always the case, there’s a week off between the AFC and NFC Championship Games and the Big Game, which gives members of the media and the fans (myself included, I guess) ample opportunity to dissect every bit of minutiae and unravel every plot and subplot tied into this year’s Super Thing, which takes place at the home stadium of the Not-So-San Francisco 49ers. And as Big Games go, I suppose we have at least one interesting major storyline to get caught up in this year: The impending battle between the old master at the end of his career, Denver’s Peyton Manning, versus the brash young phenom looking to take his place as one of the game’s greats, Carolina’s Cam Newton. Sure, these two great quarterbacks will probably only share the field together during the opening coin toss and end-of-game handshakes, but, you know, that shouldn’t stop us from attempting to add some kind of quasi-mythic importance to what is probably going to be a wholly disappointing championship football game.
We’ve got all this time to kill, you know? 14 freaking days! And let’s face it, neither of these teams are all that sexy. I mean, sure, Manning is a future Hall-of-Famer, and this is most likely his last hurrah; all the nuts, bolts and duct tape that have held him together this long have got to be past warranty, right? And Newton is such a fun player to watch because he runs really fast and throws the ball a mile and makes sure you have time to savor how awesome he is by strutting and celebrating after every play for a good 10 or 15 minutes. But there’s not really a rivalry here. These two teams have probably never faced off in a game that mattered all that much. Geographically speaking, Denver doesn’t really wow me. I know it’s “The Mile High City” or whatever, but it’s like Denver, you know? I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say, “Man, you should really check out Denver,” or, “I can’t wait to get back to Denver.” I spent a night in Denver once, and, well, it was Denver. That’s really all I can say about it.
Carolina is even worse. At least Denver is a place. I can point to it and say, “There it is.” Carolina is so vague. Is it North Carolina or South Carolina? I know the Panthers play in North Carolina, but I guess they wanted to rope in possible fans in South Carolina and figured just leaving out any directional component to the team’s name would accomplish that goal. Did that really fool anyone? Are people in the Carolinas that gullible? Denver didn’t call themselves the Colorado Broncos or the Rocky Mountain Region Broncos or the Mountain Time Zone Broncos. I’m sure people from Wyoming still go to Broncos games. I mean, what else do they have to do?
No matter who the players in this little drama are, though, everyone you know is bound to tune in, mostly because the majority of them will have some money riding on it. And hey, any excuse to eat chili dogs and/or hot wings is a good one.
Between now and Feb. 7, stay tuned to your local news and the Internet for more stories such as the Broncos decision to wear white jerseys instead of orange (because they’re 0-4 in Super Bowls when they’ve worn orange and have lost those games by an average score of 42-9 … ouch). If you’re still on the fence as to who to put your money on, I say take the Panthers as 6-point favorites (as of this writing), because, historically, the Broncos are good at two things: getting to Super Bowls and then losing them in ridiculous landslides. Hey, if the game is over by halftime, don’t worry, I hear Coldplay is performing … because if any music goes well with the concussion-inducing action of football, it’s the sweet, ethereal, waifish vocal strains of Chris Martin.
Final score: Carolina 38, Denver 10* (taking into account the decision to don white uniforms). Enjoy the Super Bowl, and have some wings and beer for me.
*Give or take 20 points from either team.
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