Guns. We all have them and love them, am I right? It’s probably because they make us so safe. I have quite a collection myself, and they all get regular use. In fact, I can’t think of a single day in the past few years when I haven’t shot at something or someone. Does that make me more American than you? Of course it does, but fret not, socialists; there is still hope for you.
Step one, if you don’t have a gun, is to slap yourself for not having one and recognize you are lucky to be alive. Step two on your path to being a better American is to get a goddamn gun already, ya idiot. Step three is to name that gun. I named mine “the Gipper” first, so back off. With a named gun in hand, you are ready for the fourth and final step: start shooting!
Obviously, people have guns to defend their liberties, but did you know guns had other uses? For example, guns can be a real blessing around the house. Just ask Elvis Presley, who used his gun to shut off his TV in the days before remote controls. Television technology has improved substantially since the King’s day, but sometime the old ways still just feel right. I’m sure Elvis would approve of the extension of his techniques to modern technologies like cell phones and computers, as well.
Guns can be more than just glorified off switches; they can also get things going again. Guns are great for stubborn jars and stuck windows. You can also literally shoot the shit when you use your gun to unclog a toilet.
Guns are sometimes called biscuits, and I’m not surprised because they work wonders in the kitchen. Guns slice, dice and tenderize all at once saving you precious time! Guns are also useful utensils at the dinner table for eating such delicacies as cereal, pees and corn niblets. Just load up the barrel and have at it!
Of course, we all know that gun of yours isn’t just going to stay at home. That baby deserves a night on the town, and your next date is the perfect excuse to take her out. Looking good is important, and it starts with pairing the right gun with the right outfit. A good rule of thumb is black shoes go with black guns and brown shoes go with chrome guns. Anything in between can go either way, or better yet, you could come strapped with one of each.
So, you got the look figured out, but what about your ride? Your gun gives you access to virtually any car you can see. Impress your date by arriving in a Mercedes S600, or take the lucky lady “car shopping” and let her choose for herself. The world is your car lot when you have a gun.
But the gun fun doesn’t stop there. Guns will get you the best seats in any theater. Your gat will allow you to eat and drink for free at the finest restaurants. If love still isn’t in the air after all of that, show your date what your “Gipper” is really all about by taking her to the shooting range.
A “gun” goes off, and the next thing you know, someone is pregnant and you’re scrambling to pull together a gift registry for your shotgun wedding. Stress does not begin to describe it! Before the birth, you were thinking that your gun had ruined your life, but that changed once your “Baby Glock” was born. That’s when you remembered one very important thing: kids love guns.
People often ask me, “What kind of gun should I buy for my infant?” I’d say a two-shot Derringer is compact and suitably balanced for a baby’s hands. I usually give them as baby shower gifts to expectant mothers with instructions to give the baby one bullet after it begins crawling and the other bullet once it can walk. By age 6, the child should be sufficiently trained to single-handedly neutralize a mass shooting, leaving his parents free to worry about more important things like how they will prevent the government from taking away their guns.
Plumbing, remodeling, cooking, eating, dating and even child rearing…guns truly do it all! The shocking part is that I’ve only scratched the surface on the seemingly endless possibilities of guns. But consider my “ricochet” cause for you to research you own creative uses for guns. I hope your experiences will be as rewarding as mine. Happy hunting!
-Bocephus Chigger
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