Don’t you just hate being married or in a committed relationship with someone? Having someone that cares about you is just the worst. I can’t believe that person even has the gall to stick by your side after all of these years. What do they want from you?!? You know how you can get them back for all of that misery? You can cheat on them!

Cheating is the best! Your spouse just keeps trying to work things out night after night, saying things like, “We’ve got to keep the family together! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.” Who wants to hear that noise, when you can avoid that snooze fest and get some nookie? It’s a win-win, for you.

Of course, you could just break up with the person you no longer love or never loved to begin with, but that’s not fun. There will probably be yelling and crying and more questions. Next thing you know your clothes are out on the front lawn and she is keeping the TV. Why go through that when you can just lie about everything? Life is so much easier when you’re living in a fantasy world where you get to do what you want without consequence, anyway.

That was the sales pitch, in a nutshell, for the website Ashleymadison.com. Surprisingly, it actually worked for Avid Life Media, the people behind the site, who claim to have signed up 37 million people to cheat on their spouses. Think of it as OkCupid with shittier people, if that’s even possible. Not only did they get people (almost entirely men and a lot of fake women) to sign up, they got a lot of them to pay $250 for the privilege of doing so. This is crazy!

Apparently, I am not the only one to think so. Recently, hackers calling themselves the Impact Team posted information stolen from the website. Impact Team was upset that Ashleymadison.com charges its users a $19 fee to cancel their accounts and erase their information, especially since it turns out they don’t actually erase the information anyway. The hackers claim they gave Avid Life Media a chance to stop their fuckery and shut down the website before the data was released, but the company refused, and now we reap the rewards!

So far the hackers have leaked internal company emails, user email addresses, first names, billing information, IP addresses and sexual fantasies, with spectacular results. Naturally, Josh Duggar of child molestation and 19 Kids and Counting fame found time in his busy schedule of bible thumping and leading the cause to censor television to try and get him some of that away booty. He wasn’t alone. The prosecuting attorney in the Casey Anthony trial also got caught with his pants down, as did some dipshit Christian vlogger who recently blew up for scooping his wife’s pee out of the toilet to find out if she was pregnant with the baby Jesus.

Those are only three of the millions of geniuses that thought it would be a good idea to cheat on their spouses via the Internet with their credit cards. Politicians, government employees, members of the media and many others have been found with their hands in the cookie jar. The Internet is going ape shit as people more patient than I slowly comb through all of the data released so far to see what other secrets it contains.

While the Internet gnashes its teeth for more, some of these cheaters are busy putting together a $576 million class-action lawsuit against Avid Life Media for failing to keep their information secure. Unfortunately, the clock can’t be turned back and the world knows that these people are shit bags. I’m not really sure how this lawsuit thing is supposed to put that genie back in the bottle, especially since it’s going to keep this hack and these people in the news. Of course, these people have a history of making bad decisions so it shouldn’t really be that surprising that they would choose to sue instead of quietly skulking away.

At Ashleymadison.com they say, “Life is short. Have an affair.” They certainly have part of it right. Life is short. It’s definitely too short for you to be wasting your time talking to fake women on the Internet while you try to dodge your real life problems. It’s also too short to be suing people because you got caught cheating. When will someone involved in this mess stop thinking with their dick/wallet and start thinking with their brain? I guess life still isn’t short enough for that.

– Bocephus Chigger
bocephus@submergemag.com

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