There are a lot of things in life that I don’t understand. If you’ve read this column even a few times, you’re probably painfully aware of that. For instance, I often start the day by looking at myself in the mirror, topless. It’s not totally out of vanity. More so, I’m given to flights of fancy, and I think it’s important to wake up to a harsh dose of reality. Still, some days I look in the mirror, gazing upon that pasty expanse of flesh and forest of curly chest hair and think, damn, I look blubbery (as I did just now) and other days I think, damn Barone, you’re looking good. Have you been working out? Even though I know the answer to that is no.
I don’t understand why I do it. I don’t understand why my perception can change from day to day. Like, maybe I’m not supposed to get why Donald Trump is allowed to run for president. He’s so vile that I find myself rooting for Megyn Kelly against him. That’s not an easy thing to do. I know he’s got a lot of money and all, and that’s all that really matters when it comes to running for president, but I feel as though someone should step in and say, “No. You just can’t do this. Go live in one of your towers and be happy that you have more money than Scrooge McDuck and leave America and Mexican immigrants and women alone.” I’d like to think that America has enough sanity left that they’d vote anyone but him into its highest office, but who knows? Just the fact that he’s there is creeping me out. Looming. Combing over the frightening possibilities in my mind.
Another thing I don’t understand is why I’m the only one who thought that last joke was funny.
This isn’t going to be another diatribe about why Donald Trump is a piece of shit, though. He’s gotten enough coverage already, and I don’t want to contribute any more to it. Sure, I don’t understand why we keep talking about him, but the thing that I don’t understand that’s really bothering me today are octopuses.
I don’t want to rile any conservationists out there. I totally accept that octopi are probably a vital part of the ecosystem and have just as much right to occupy the planet as we do, but they’re just weird. You can’t deny they’re weird. Just look at the fucking things. Their bodies are made of this bulbous gelatinous goo (sort of like me without the chest hair) and they have eight spindly tentacles with those creepy suckers on them. They have bird-ish beaks for mouths and giant people-eyes. It’s like, what are they? Where did octopodes come from? Why are they here?
Why are there three plural forms of octopus—octopuses, octopi and octopodes? I’m sure it’s a Greek or Latin thing, but it’s just not right. Are they trying to gum up our language with superfluous plurals in order to carry out their plans for world domination? It seems like a pretty ineffective jumping off point for taking over the world, if it is. You’re dumb, octopuses. Come up with a better plan.
That’s the problem, though, octopuses aren’t dumb. They’re freakishly smart and can do ridiculously unbelievable things. Have you ever seen an octopus mimic a flounder. Go ahead and look it up on YouTube. I’ll wait for you to come back. …
I KNOW RIGHT! Your mind is blown.
If they can do that, what else can they mimic? What if all this time that cute barista you’ve been flirting with at your favorite neighborhood fair trade coffee shop was actually an octopus in disguise? You’d probably never know. Octopuses are masters at camouflage. They could steal some clothes from someone’s unattended beach bag, quickly peruse Spotify to see what indie bands are trending, use a little ink for some hair dye and/or makeup, maybe even adopt a non-descript, quasi-European accent and voila! It’s the man/woman of your dreams making you an iced latte.
Hooking up with an octopus might not be so bad, though. Octopuses have a long history of being featured in erotica. Go ahead. Type “tentacle porn” into your favorite search engine and see what pops up. I’ll wait … …
Hm. You were gone a while. What were you up to? I’m not judging, but that’s just weird, bro. Weird.
On Aug. 13, 2015, a team of scientists studying octopus genomes published their findings in Nature. The article, titled “The octopus genome and the evolution of cephalopod neural and morphological novelties” takes a look at how octopuses evolved such advanced neurological systems. It’s probably very illuminating, but I couldn’t understand any of it. This is just a word of warning, kids. Stay in school or you’ll end up like me.
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