Opinion

And Now for a Bit of Optimism

It’s becoming increasingly likely that the popular chain restaurant, Rainforest Cafe, will lose its relevance with future generations. This probably won’t be much of a problem considering that if the rainforest keeps burning, there most likely won’t be many future generations anyway … Look, I’m doing my best to find…

I Know What We Should Have Did This Summer

Summer is finally coming to an end, and my partially melted brain could not be any happier. It was a long, hot, sometimes hellish season, but the end is near. Unfortunately, I don’t have much to show for it, but I’ve been planning a wedding, so what’s your excuse? I’ve…

Tinfoil Hat Time

Was really sad to hear that Jeffrey Epstein, the billionaire hedge fund prick who white-guyed his way out of a conviction for sexual abuse only to be brought up once again on charges of sex trafficking, committed suicide while in custody … It’s really a shame that he didn’t choke…

More Unsolicited Advice

“Dear Prudence” is a multi-headed beast that has doled out advice to readers of Slate.com since 1997. Each of her heads bears the face of a different human being, and they have all shared in the responsibility of answering reader’s questions for more than 20 years. Bocephus Chigger likes The…

Shooting Stars

Are you unsure of what to believe anymore? Has the world got you tied up in knots, unsure of which path to take? Do you wonder what your lucky numbers are or which planet will determine your fate for the next two weeks? If your answer to any of those…

“They Can’t Stop All of Us”

It was nice taking off writing this column last issue. Taking over Jono’s “The Stream” instead—writing about a new Sacramento-based theater company with an important mission—was refreshing. During my many trips down the MSNBC YouTube rabbit hole, and wincing as I listen to the latest news out of Washington and…

America According to Trump

You are not going to believe what I came across recently. Like any good news man, I have people going through the White House’s garbage looking for scandals, crimes, blackmail attempts and boudoir photos of Putin on horseback. Until recently, my crack squad of investigators hadn’t turned up bupkis, but…

“Welcome to Hawkins: Let’s Make Monsters Scary Again”

Welcome to the upside down. Just kidding. It’s just me. Mollie. I’m taking over this week, just like Stranger Things took over my Fourth of July. Did you guys have a great Fourth? I hope so. I used to get really into going to house parties/BBQs in Midtown, watching block…

A Time When Only Pasta Mattered

It was the early 1990s and I was a weird child. On most weekends, my friend would spend the night or I would stay at his house. We weren’t into drugs or drinking in those days and were more likely to be hopped up on sugar and caffeine than anything…

I’m Just Gonna Be a Frontrunner This Time

Did anyone watch the first democratic presidential debate(s) last week? I didn’t. It’s not because I’m not interested in politics; I am. And it’s not because I don’t care about who America chooses to take on the incumbent in the 2020 election; I do. I just want to vote for…