Opinion

I’ll Take Things That May Have to Be Removed for $1,000, Alex

So, like Thor dropping from the Heavens onto the battlefields of Wakanda, the Mueller Report (in redacted form) was released to the public. I spent much of Thursday and Friday morning listening to the usual punditry, but one commentator on CBS News (whose name escapes me, but her analysis was…

Game of Nos

It’s now or never. HBO premiered the first episode of the final season of Game of Thrones recently, and much of the world stopped doing whatever else it had going on to watch. Here is what we know: (SPOILER ALERT) Winter has officially come to Westeros and the army of…

They Keep Callin’ Me!

Children of the world today don’t know what they are missing. With the widespread adoption of Caller ID in the 1990s, an entire genre of hijinks was wiped out before millennials ever had a chance to experience it for themselves. Those of us born before then might still remember a…

The Law of the Jungle

I’d like to think that I learn from my mistakes. Last issue, right around this time, I began writing about the recently delivered Mueller report. In the midst of what I was typing, Attorney General William Barr showed up to work on a goddamn Sunday and threw everything I’d written…

Not So Grand Theft Auto

What would you do with just one digit of a license plate? Perhaps I should clarify: Let’s say you took a license plate and cut it vertically right before the last digit with a pair of tin snips. The piece you cut off would contain the last number of the…

Saving Throw Against the Speed of News in the Digital Age

I was starting to write this column about the Mueller report being submitted to the Attorney General. At the time, I only knew there were no further indictments recommended in an investigation that churned out roughly a billion of them, scored numerous convictions and spawned even more investigations. I didn’t…

It Tastes Like Heaven

We’ve all heard the saying “it tastes like chicken” before, but what does chicken really taste like? Are we supposed to believe that all chicken is created equal and therefore all chicken is equally delicious? You might label me a speciesist for saying this, but I think that’s some cluckin’…

It Must Be Nice

Paul Manafort was looking at at least 19 years in prison (according to sentencing guidelines) for a slew of crimes that he was convicted of back in August. If you were watching any of the coverage of these court proceedings, you may have noticed a dude holding a sign that…

State of Emergency

They say an emergency lies in the eye of the beholder. Actually, no one says that, but judging by President Trump’s latest decree, he sure seems to think that’s the case. If you haven’t heard, the president recently declared a national emergency over illegal immigration at the Mexican border. He…

Living the Meme

Did anyone else see Representative Jerry Nadler, D-NY and head of the House Judiciary Committee, spar against acting Attorney General, and owner of world’s largest head, Matt Whitaker this past week? If you haven’t, I suggest you do. It was like Thunderdome for grumpy white dudes. There was one particularly…