Opinion

The United States

The old adage goes: There are two types of people in the world: People who enjoy pornography, and people who lie about it. For most of my life post-puberty, I have found this to be true. For a short time, I helped out a friend who owned an independent video…

15 Going on 17

People are more eager to say goodbye to 2016 than they have been any year in recent memory. Though to be honest, I don’t remember the last time anyone said something like, “Gosh, 2013 was awesome. I’m going to be sad to see it go.” Have we become that miserable?…

Protect Ya Neck

Each day, millions of people around the world wake up, get ready for work and nearly kill themselves in the process. Sadly, for most professionals, the difference between life and death depends only on forearm strength. Don’t pull hard enough and you come off looking like a slob; pull too…

All the Fake News That’s Not Really Fit to Print, But Will Be Anyway

Americans, I am angry. Russia is being accused of using propaganda to influence our election and maybe even more. It appears that the Russian government is simply making up news in the hopes of influencing popular opinion on a variety of topics including this year’s presidential race. The Russians purportedly…

Rock of Ages

Fidel Castro died. I guess that’s 2016’s final feather in its cap. There have been a lot of famous deaths this year. The ones that got the most attention were beloved musical luminaries such as David Bowie, Prince and more recently Leonard Cohen. None of them, however much we loved…

Trumpworld

Far be it from me to question the intelligence of Elon Musk. The man created Tesla Motors and SpaceX and was one of the founders of PayPal. He is also a big supporter of Hyperloop technology and will soon revolutionize America’s power grid with his home battery system. On top…

The Echo Chamber

I’m sure every generation believes that they are going to be the one that dooms the planet. Perhaps we think this out of arrogance—like we’re so powerful and important that, on a whim, we could destroy this beautiful blue marble upon which we float around the cosmos. And sure, it’s…

Happy Christoweengiving!

The holiday season has been exhibiting signs of mission creep for years and it’s only getting worse. Despite Fox News’ complaints of a war on Christmas, I’ve seen candy canes, twinkling lights and Christmas trees in stores since the end of September. Such items share the shelves with plastic pumpkins,…

The Magical Fruit

Let’s forget that Election Day may very well be going on as you read this, and that people all over the country are actually voting for … that guy. Let’s forget that for a second, because there are even bigger problems in the world. Take, for instance, the avocado shortage….

Secrets Are So Last Century

This issue of Submerge will take you up until the day before Election Day. As you’re probably aware, this year is like the Super Bowl of elections because of the Celebrity Death Match-style presidential campaign, but besides that, there are a lot of things up for vote, such as state…