Opinion

C.R.E.A.M.

It is inarguable that the Wu-Tang Clan is made up of geniuses. They have multiple classic albums under their belts and managed to fleece pharma-bro Martin Shkreli out of $2 million for an exclusive copy of their double album, Once Upon a Time in Shaolin. Wu-Tang created an empire that…

The Flusher King

I suppose I should start this with a bit of a warning: You may consider this an “over share.” However, I think it’s important that you should know. Last night I had a lengthy ordeal with my toilet bowl. It wasn’t a messy affair, but it was annoying nonetheless. You…

The 2018 Winter Olympics: A Real Snow Job

Every four years, it gets cold enough somewhere in the world to host a massive sporting event in the snow and on the ice. They call it the Winter Olympics, and this year it’s being held in Pyeongchang, South Korea. The Winter Olympics are like the Summer Olympics, except colder…

Giving Advice All The Way To The Top

Bocephus Chigger is world-renowned for telling people what to do and how to live their lives. Bocephus Chigger was the recipient of a Bachelor of Arts in the field of Psychology from UC Davis, so he is basically a genius and certainly knows better than you. Bocephus Chigger’s advice columns…

The Big Sick

Illness does not always breed misery, but as you get older, it sure seems to throw a wrench in the works more often than it used to. I am currently home sick with a stuffy, yet somehow runny nose, a mucus-filled chest that never ceases to cough up more phlegm…

Zeus and Hieroglyphs

I realize the two things mentioned in the title of this column don’t really relate to one another, other than that they’re both old and outdated…but hear me out. I just recently got an iPhone 7, which I guess is also old and outdated, but for me it feels like…

All Eyes on You

Happy Holidays! I hope your end-of-year festivities were full of friends, family, food, drink and whatever else it is that makes your heart cockles warm this time of year. Now that we are turning the page on 2017, which was the most tumultuous year I can remember, we look ahead…

Celebrating New Year’s Eve

We’ve all been slipping. Every year, the people bow down to holiday favorites like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, but what about the rest of the holiday gods? We’ve been giving them the cold shoulder for a long time and it’s finally starting to catch up to us. Take…

To the Other 48.4 Percent, and You, With Love

I remember around this time last year, I think I wrote that as shitty as 2016 was, 2017 would probably be a lot worse, and because I’m one of those people, I’m happy to report I was right. I mean, what a steaming pile of shit, right? Even Tom Petty…

Great Holiday Gift Ideas for Everyone in Your Life!

Everybody wants something, and Christmas is your chance to really give it to them. All year long, you’ve been putting up with your crazy racist uncle’s shit and your boss’s unending demands. Even your own mother keeps asking when you are going to bring home a wife for her to…