Opinion

Terror in the Skies!

Attention readers of Submerge: you might be in danger at this very moment! If you are reading this while riding in a hot air balloon, you may be about to die! Tell the balloon dragon pilot to bring her down and let you out immediately before you suffer a needless…

Make SNL Great Again

It seems to be the rite of passage for pop culture obsessed Americans to proclaim that Saturday Night Live sucks now. It gives you a level of distinction, I guess, to say something along the lines of, “Who’s even in the cast any more?” or, “I just caught a minute…

Playing Loose with the Facts

Alternative facts … that’s what we have to deal with these days. One of President Trump’s horn blowers and former campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, went on Meet the Press recently and was asked why the new administration’s first press conference focused on spreading false information about the number of people…

The Man from the Future

It’s only been going on a week or so, and so far, the President Trump shitstorm has lived up to its billing. Surreal press conferences, drastic executive orders, hasty Twittering … it’s been as close to total chaos as I’ve ever seen, which was most likely what our new regime…

The Big One

I mentioned in a column around election time that I’d been watching a lot of clips of George Carlin on YouTube. I loved his work so much and I still do because he’d incite in me an inner debate. Sometimes what he said made me laugh (most of the time),…

2017: Spoiler Alert!

2017 has only just begun and it’s already looking to be one helluva year. January is usually the time of year when a bunch of dumb jerks try to tell you what to expect for the coming year. Of course, these predictions are often grossly incorrect. And why wouldn’t they…

Congratulations, You’re Not Dead Yet

Alright, real talk for a second: 2016 sucked major ass in a lot of different ways. The last thing you need is yet another servile piece of shit like myself trying to break them down into an easily Facebook-shared list or rank them in order of how they affect me…

The United States

The old adage goes: There are two types of people in the world: People who enjoy pornography, and people who lie about it. For most of my life post-puberty, I have found this to be true. For a short time, I helped out a friend who owned an independent video…

15 Going on 17

People are more eager to say goodbye to 2016 than they have been any year in recent memory. Though to be honest, I don’t remember the last time anyone said something like, “Gosh, 2013 was awesome. I’m going to be sad to see it go.” Have we become that miserable?…

Protect Ya Neck

Each day, millions of people around the world wake up, get ready for work and nearly kill themselves in the process. Sadly, for most professionals, the difference between life and death depends only on forearm strength. Don’t pull hard enough and you come off looking like a slob; pull too…