Opinion

The Plane Truth

Some of you believe that air travel is a great thing. For the rest of us, flying is like death. And like death, air travel shares the same five stages of mourning. Denial comes first: “God I hope this flight won’t suck.” We convince ourselves that it will be different…

Ice, Ice, Baby

This has been a busy week for me. In addition to my normal duties, I’ve also been tending to my neighbors’ cats and garden while they’re away on vacation. It’s very rewarding and very stressful work. The cats have taken a shine to me. Now when I approach, they don’t…

Canada: More than America’s Hat, Eh!

I used to be like you. “Canada” was a word that brought forth images of draft dodgers, hockey and Howie Mandel. It shared brain space with such phrases as “take off, hoser,” and “beauty, eh.” To me, Canada was little more than America’s hat; and not a cool hat, but…

Nature’s Candy

Evolution tells us that man evolved from apes. For some, the similarities between men and apes can be hard to see, but they are forgetting the great equalizer: camping. In the great outdoors, it’s every man (or ape) for himself. Based on my experiences, I think the apes may have…

So We Meet Again, Dr. Jones

Summer’s a great time for a lot of things, but it’s probably best for movies. The major studios pull out all the stops and release their biggest, most bloated and ridiculous movies to dazzle a slack-jawed, wide-eyed public. Summer blockbusters aren’t just movies, they’re events, and if you’re one of…

Sweatpants: The Clothing of the Gods

The human mind is a miraculous thing. When we need nutrients, our brain tells us we are hungry. When we need to recharge, it tells us to sleep. When we get hot, it tells us to sweat. Many years ago, someone’s mind even decided that we needed special pants to…

“It’s A Nice Day for a White Wedding.”

Weddings are great for many reasons: 1) people are in good spirits; 2) there are lots of single woman who want to be loved for one day only; 3) the booze flows freely; and 4) you get to watch old people dance to ’80s rap music (I always request Young…

The Great Divide

Two years ago, a series of cartoons depicting the Prophet Mohammad printed in a Danish newspaper made the rift between Islam and the largely Christian West a little bit wider. Most Muslims find images of the prophet offensive. I’m not sure the exact reason for this–I could look it up,…

Chinese Balls Are Not Always Relaxing

The teachings of Confucius encompass almost every aspect of becoming a better person. Unfortunately, he missed one glaring example of common decency: A kind man always wears pants in public. One brisk November day, I hopped in the car and headed to the gym. I work out at a predominantly…

Hello, Hello

ON MONDAY, FEB. 4TH, COINCIDENTALLY THE SAME DAY Submerge’s inaugural issue hits the streets, our friends at NASA will be broadcasting The Beatles’ “Across the Universe” into deep space. The event will take place at 7 PM Eastern time (4 PM Pacific) and will commemorate the 50th anniversary of the…