Opinion

Back to the Future

For most of you, 2019 is a real big mystery. What will happen to all the celebrities? What terrible things are in store for us in the coming year? What misguided fashion trends are we going to resurrect to make ourselves look ridiculous once again? What new gadgets will change…

Persona Non Grata

I think we can all agree that 2018 has been a rough year. It seemed like every week a new disaster or crisis was ready to tear the world apart. Frankly, it’s been exhausting, so hopefully, 2019 will be our chance to change that. I believe that a large majority…

Could This Mean War?

There are assassins amongst us. Since 2016, someone or something has been fucking with our diplomats in Cuba. These diplomats have reported being on the receiving end of “sonic attacks” that damaged their hearing, as well as caused dizziness, pain and ringing in their ears. The phenomenon has baffled researchers…

What Are You Doing … New Year’s Eve?

During my frequent Instagram scrolls (which can last for a mere minute or so, or stretch nearly a half-hour) this past week, I’ve noticed a lot of people posting their adieus to 2018, which certainly was an eventful year. This was both a pro and con: As someone who regularly…

The Quandaries of Chocolate Production

Roald Dahl was a literary genius and mad scientist. His books were some of the craziest things I read as a child. My favorite was probably Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. At the time, I thought Charlie was such a lucky kid. Who wouldn’t want to inherit this amazing chocolate…

Jesus Was a Race Car Driver

This time of year, you’ll see a lot of commercials from car companies … You know, it’s Christmas morning and mom/dad/wife/husband hands their child/spouse a small wrapped gift box with a key inside and outside is a brand new Hyundai with a ribbon on it. And it’s snowing. And they’re…

Don’t Harsh My Holiday Mellow

If you haven’t seen the video of our president flat-leaving his Argentinian counterpart on the stage at this year’s G20 thingamajig, you really should. It’s probably the only worthwhile thing Trump has done in office. If for no other reason, it’s hilarious. The two shake hands, smile a bit and…

Dear Bocephus

Several years ago, I wrote a column for Submerge asking readers to email me if they needed any advice on life, love, work, education, politics, religion, sex, music, art, food or whatever. I promptly lost my password to that email account; so, if you sent questions, I never got them…

That Other Holiday

Did you know that there is another holiday between Halloween and Christmas? It’s called Thanksgiving, and it happens every year on the day before Black Friday. I don’t blame you for forgetting; the stores all went from costumes and candy to Christmas trees, reindeer and Santa overnight. I guess they…

End Times Scorecard

Good News: If you had 2018 in your Apocalypse pool, it looks like you might be looking at a big cash windfall. Unfortunately, though, once society collapses, all that money will be rendered useless. If you act fast, maybe you’ll be able to use your winnings to nab bottles of…