Opinion

Trying to Make Peace with DST

I hate spring. I know what you’re saying: Hating spring is like hating puppies. I love puppies, I assure you, but spring can go fuck itself. Sure, the blooming flowers are pretty or whatever, but then all that pollen gets released into the air, and it makes me be all,…

Go to Your Happy Place

One month into a Trump presidency and the world appears to be jacked. I’d say we were completely fucked, but my editors don’t like it when I swear in the first sentence of my articles. If you have eyes or ears, I’m pretty sure our current calamity is not news…

The Life Inside Me

You may have missed it with all the political hullabaloo that’s going on every day, but NASA announced that it found seven Earth-sized planets—including three that may be capable of supporting life—orbiting the Trappist-1 star, a mere 39 light-years away! Trappist-1 is the little dwarf star that could. It’s only…

Terror in the Skies!

Attention readers of Submerge: you might be in danger at this very moment! If you are reading this while riding in a hot air balloon, you may be about to die! Tell the balloon dragon pilot to bring her down and let you out immediately before you suffer a needless…

Make SNL Great Again

It seems to be the rite of passage for pop culture obsessed Americans to proclaim that Saturday Night Live sucks now. It gives you a level of distinction, I guess, to say something along the lines of, “Who’s even in the cast any more?” or, “I just caught a minute…

Playing Loose with the Facts

Alternative facts … that’s what we have to deal with these days. One of President Trump’s horn blowers and former campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, went on Meet the Press recently and was asked why the new administration’s first press conference focused on spreading false information about the number of people…

The Man from the Future

It’s only been going on a week or so, and so far, the President Trump shitstorm has lived up to its billing. Surreal press conferences, drastic executive orders, hasty Twittering … it’s been as close to total chaos as I’ve ever seen, which was most likely what our new regime…

The Big One

I mentioned in a column around election time that I’d been watching a lot of clips of George Carlin on YouTube. I loved his work so much and I still do because he’d incite in me an inner debate. Sometimes what he said made me laugh (most of the time),…

2017: Spoiler Alert!

2017 has only just begun and it’s already looking to be one helluva year. January is usually the time of year when a bunch of dumb jerks try to tell you what to expect for the coming year. Of course, these predictions are often grossly incorrect. And why wouldn’t they…

Congratulations, You’re Not Dead Yet

Alright, real talk for a second: 2016 sucked major ass in a lot of different ways. The last thing you need is yet another servile piece of shit like myself trying to break them down into an easily Facebook-shared list or rank them in order of how they affect me…