I should probably confess I think Lady Gaga is pretty cool. I’m not sure how much this will affect your opinion of me, positively or negatively, but I think it’s important that we get that piece of information out of the way before we continue. I don’t own any of her albums, nor have I ever sung any of her songs at karaoke, but I really get a kick out of her wacky/artsy persona. She also has a killer booty. I don’t think she gets enough credit for that, and it’s a shame.
She’s more than a firm butt and a smile, though. She’s got chops as a musician and a songwriter. I caught a few minutes of her live concert special on HBO a few years back and was really impressed, especially since most artists of her ilk opt to “sing” or lip-sync to a track when performing live. I find it difficult to praise a singer for actually singing live, since that’s their job. It’s like praising a parent for taking care of their child. That’s what they’re supposed to do, but this is the world we live in: parents don’t parent and singers don’t sing. Both, I believe, are contributing to the downfall of society, but I’m getting on a tangent here. Let’s bring it back to the topic at hand.
Gaga. Right. So she decided to premier her new video, “G.U.Y.,” on NBC’s news magazine show Dateline, of all places, this past Saturday. Sure, it was a curious choice, but really where else on TV does one premier a video nowadays? MTV? Ha! They’re too busy corrupting young minds with awful reality shows. Back in my day, they were corrupting young minds with music videos. This is another thing that’s destroying society: No videos on MTV.
Sorry.
So the fucking fuckface who started the Westboro Baptist Church dies, evidence has surfaced that may prove The Big Bang Theory and tensions in the Ukraine are reaching a fever pitch, leaving the whole world to wonder if the long-awaited World War showdown between the United States and Russia may finally happen, but a news show figured Lady Gaga’s new video is also worthy of a segment. Maybe society should be destroyed.
I mean, at least it’s a really good video.
If you haven’t seen it, here’s a brief synopsis/review:
The seven-and-a-half minute mini opus (directed by the lady herself) opens in a barren field filled with men in suits warring with each other over dollar bills that are billowing all about them. But where is the good lady Gaga in all this? She’s lying in a ditch, wounded, dressed as some sort of bird woman.
As the men depart, bird woman Gaga rises out of the ditch and frees an arrow from her chest. The warring businessmen appeared to be unarmed, so I’m not sure where this arrow came from, but I didn’t let this glaring plot hole ruin my enjoyment of the video.
Gaga then stumbles to, and collapses at the gate of, an opulent castle in the hills (the famous Hearst Castle, in fact). There, two men wearing hoodies made from what seems to be contractor-grade garbage bags scoop up the fallen bird woman and usher her inside, where she is taken through a large host of vinyl-clad dancers and sassy swimsuit models to the waiting arms of bare-chested men in white leather vests who baptize her in a pool. During her rebirthing, she has visions of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, which I hear is a common occurrence when rebirthing.
Gaga emerges from her baptism as sexy nymph Gaga, who begins to rally the castle’s inhabitants around her by employing many racy costume changes and engaging them in numerous dance numbers. Eventually, the good vibes created by all the dancing and kibbutzing imbues sexy nymph Gaga with enough science magic to resurrect Jesus, Ghandi and Michael Jackson (who else), who she then clones into an army of militant male models.
Sexy nymph Gaga morphs once more into feathered ninja Gaga. With her army of militant male models and two sassy assassins (sassassins?), she storms an office building—we can assume the same one the businessmen from the beginning of the video came from (see how all this shit comes full circle, bro?)—and takes over…making the world a better place, or at least a more dangerously attired one.
You know, I take back what I said before. This is totally newsworthy.
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