For most of you, 2019 is a real big mystery. What will happen to all the celebrities? What terrible things are in store for us in the coming year? What misguided fashion trends are we going to resurrect to make ourselves look ridiculous once again? What new gadgets will change the world? The future is full of uncertainties, unless you have a time machine like I do. Even though my use of it puts the very fabric of space-time and all of your lives at risk, I decided that your need to know about what’s in store this year simply outweighed any negative effects of time travel. I’ve confirmed the following events myself.
Someone out there must have heard my prayers and decided to answer them in 2019, because by the end of the year, the Kardashian/Jenner/West klans will be no more. Their downfall will be the result of a horrific butt explosion. In a bid to out-booty her sister Kim, Kourtney will subject herself to an experimental hydrogen booty inflation procedure that ends in a ball of flame.
While taking their annual holiday photo next December, Kourtney will accidentally sit on a thumb tack left out by North West, causing her to burst. The explosion will manage to take out Kim, Kanye, Kris, Caitlyn, Khloe, Kylie, Kendall and all of their kids. An E! camera crew will also perish in the explosion, leading to the cancellation of the show that made them all famous. Rob, as the sole surviving Kardashian, will inherit the fortunes left behind by his siblings and mother. Rob will use this money to purchase and shut down Twitter, putting an end to cyberbullying.
In other good news, in a bizarre twist of the law, President Trump will finally be drafted for military service. Donald Trump originally avoided the draft by getting a doctor’s note from a tenant in one of his father’s buildings that said he had bone spurs on his feet. In 2019, a federal judge will rule that Trump must serve a four-year tour of duty in Iraq with the U.S. Air Force for lying to the draft board. Trump will be killed in action two days after landing in Iraq when his mega combover gets caught in the blades of a helicopter, pulling him to his death.
Not everything’s coming up roses in 2019, however. Fashion gurus are going to once again bring back a fashion fad that should have never been a thing in the first place. Corsets have come back en vogue in the last few years, and that got the big fashion houses thinking, “what other uncomfortable and impractical Renaissance-era garb can we force women to wear in 2019?” The designers will land on hoop skirts and elaborate undergarments for the gals and dickeys and longcoat tails for the guys. It’s going to be a real shit show out there, but at least we won’t be wearing tiny sunglasses or ugly dad shoes anymore.
Speaking of shoes, in technology news, Google is going to come out with its response to the Apple Watch with the Google Shoe. The Google Shoe will have built-in navigation with turn-by-turn directions by everyone’s favorite sneakerhead, Chris Brown. The Google Shoe also comes equipped with odor control, surround sound, Google Assistant, self-tightening laces, Wi-Fi, Bluetooth, 4K insoles, a bottle opener and lights in the heels that blink when you lift your feet. An early glitch will force those wearing the shoes to kick themselves in their own asses repeatedly, leading to several thousand injuries amongst fanboys and early adopters. To everyone’s surprise, the lawsuits will tank the company, leaving an opening for the resurrection of the search engine, Ask Jeeves. Don’t forget to check your JeevesMail!
Yes, 2019 is going to be all that and so much more. I realize just how incredible all of this information is and how difficult it must be to accept. If I were prognosticating, I’d feel inclined to tell you how sure I was of my visions for ethical reasons if nothing else. However, thanks to my time machine, I witnessed these events with my own eyes. I could hardly believe these events myself, but they will happen. If they don’t, it will be because my warnings here have caused those involved to change their behavior so as to avoid these calamities. That says a lot for the popularity of this column. It looks like everyone will be reading the “Optimistic Pessimist” in 2019!