Are you stupid or something? Is your mind actually working at more than keeping you from shitting yourself? Is your big, heavy, dumb, brain just taking up space between your ears while seemingly doing nothing for ya? You’ve tried to learn before, but nothing ever seems to stick. Your brain lacks power. It sounds to me like you’ve got a juice problem!
As reported on the Radiolab podcast in 2014, government funded scientists have begun applying electricity to certain parts of the brains and bodies of test subjects to [torture them for “information”] accelerate learning. Depending on where the electrodes were placed, these scientists found improvements in memorization, image recognition and shooting accuracy after zapping their test subjects’ brains and arms. If you didn’t understand what any of that meant, then I’ll just sum it up by saying, this is probably great news for you!
It’s also great news for Chigger Family, your favorite manufacturer of things you really need to survive. We here at Chigger Family are still reeling from the success of our yawn-preventing nICE Cap line of frozen headwear and the continued strong showing from our Face Melter brand pepper sprays, but we’ve just got too many great products to stop now.
The engineering wizards at Chigger Family looked at the research cited in the Radiolab podcast and have come up with something spectacular. We’ve designed a way for you to take advantage of this amazing scientific breakthrough while in the comfort of your own home. It took a lot of work, but we think we have something special here. That is why we are so excited to bring you our latest and greatest invention to date, the Juice Box*!
The Juice Box will make you more smarter! It will make you so smart, you will even understand what is wrong with that last sentence! No one will call you a big dummy after you’ve shocked your brain into submission with the Juice Box. Prepare yourself for a new you! People will be amazed by your new super-human abilities!
And the best part is that the Juice Box is so simple, even an idiot can use it. Simply attach the included electrode head wrap and arm strap to the Juice Box with the included cables. Turn the power switch to the “On” position and select which mode of learning you plan to do via the mode selector switch. The Juice Box has four learning modes: “Visualization,” “Memory,” “Random”** and “Kill, baby, kill!” Once you have selected the desired learning mode, press the “Start” button to begin your training.
You’ve spent years trying to find Waldo in all of those damn books. Well, once you hook yourself up to a Juice Box set to “Visualization” mode, you are going to be able to spot that bastard in mere seconds, every time. You will also be able to shoot that picture of him from 100 yards with a 20 mph crosswind, after you try out our special “Kill, baby, kill!” mode.
Of course, there is a lot more you can do than find and kill Waldo with a Juice Box.*** Has a lifetime of drug use wracked your brain to the point that your short-term memory barely exists? Give that ol’ busted, cracked-out brain a jump start with “Memory” mode. Show your kids how much you love them by remembering all of their names for once, thanks to the Juice Box. And when thinking, seeing and killing just aren’t cutting it anymore, turn the learning mode switch to “Random” and take a ride on the juice train!
Chigger Family’s Juice Box is destined to be this holiday season’s No. 1, top-selling gift. Will you be the first on your block to exhibit the super-human abilities that can be bestowed on you by the Juice Box, or are you just going to keep being that same old tired dimwit that everyone laughs at and ridicules? Be smart for once, and then be smart forever! Get yourself a Juice Box today!
* WARNING: The Juice Box will shock your brain and arm repeatedly and in rapid succession. By using the Juice Box, you agree to release Chigger Family from any and all past, present and future claims of harm or injury arising from the use of this product and any other products found in the Chigger Family line of goods, whether such use is as directed by Chigger Family or not. Using Juice Box in combination with either Chigger Family nICE Cap or Face Melter products may cause damage to the Juice Box system and your brain. Such use also voids your warranty on all of the products involved.
** “Random” mode shocks the brain and arm in a random sequence. The long term effects of using “Random” mode are currently unknown. Chigger Family recommends that you not use “Random” mode while driving, breastfeeding, smiling or breathing.
*** Chigger Family does not advocate for the murder of Waldo or any other fictional characters.
-Bocephus Chigger
bocephus@submergemag.com
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