Be afraid! Be very afraid! Nature’s answer to population overgrowth is on the loose and preparing to strike. A 1500-ton abandoned cruise ship is adrift somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean and it’s been commandeered by a nation of mutant cannibal rats hell-bent on destroying the human race (or at least eating all of our garbage).
There have been a lot of rumors about where the rats are going and what they plan to do when they get there, but this intrepid reporter was able to get an exclusive with the leader of the rat army, General Fievel Mousekewitz.
Bocephus Chigger (BC): General Mousekewitz, thanks again for agreeing to meet with me. It’s been a long time since we spoke last on the set of An American Tail: Fievel Goes West. It would appear that a lot has changed since then. The readers of Submerge are very curious to hear what you’ve been up to and also what your intentions are with this fine vessel and its rodent occupants.
General Mousekewitz (GM): Please, Bocephus, the pleasure is all mine. It has been a long time, old friend. I hope you are enjoying your stay on our finest ship, The Rattuson. I trust the crew has left your supple flesh alone thus far? I’m afraid they’ve grown tired of eating each other, and with the prospect of man-flesh on the horizon, they can be quite unruly.
Let me begin by saying, we mean you no harm. We merely hope to bring about the deaths of the current heads of the world’s major financial institutions. We are assembling an armada of rat-filled cruise ships and soon there will be no stopping us. It’s going to be great!
BC: General, those are serious words. Why have you decided to risk another collapse of the world financial market? What have we done to you?
GM: First off, did you see Fievel Goes West? It was a travesty! Those bastards over at Universal ruined my film career right when I was getting started. I gained so much weight after that bomb that I looked like a possum and no one would hire me again! All they left me with is my identity as a rodent.
As if that weren’t bad enough, people are now calling the heads of Wall Street rats, and that’s just wrong. Those assholes have eaten more garbage and spread more diseases than I’ll ever be able to. Being put in the same company with them makes me sick. So I say we kill the bastards. Unfortunately some of the rest of you might just end up getting caught in the crossfire, which is actually great news for us. We are rats after all; eating dead animals is kind of our thing.
BC: General Mousekewitz, I must say, I am appalled by what you have said. Fievel Goes West was not as bad as you make it out to be. Dom DeLuise put on an Oscar-worthy performance in his reprisal as Tiger. You also looked great in that cowboy hat. But hey… I’m no film buff. And while I can’t agree with what you are doing, I can’t say I blame you for being mad about comparisons between rats and bankers. I wouldn’t want to be compared to a banker, either. The thought of it alone sends shivers up my spine.
GM: Absolutely wretched creatures, aren’t they. I’ve even tried pissing on them and they still taste like shit. That’s why The Rattuson is heading to England. We are going after the head of Barclays Bank for his role in manipulating LIBOR. After that we hope to find a vessel small enough to head up the Rhine River and lead an assault on Deutsche Bank in Germany and UBS in Switzerland. After that, it’s back to the States for some choice words with our friends at Bank of America, Wells Fargo, Citibank and most importantly the head ass wipe, Jamie Dimon, from JP Morgan Chase. Oh, there will be hell to pay!
BC: Well generally, I got to say, I think the readers of Submerge are quite relieved. There have been rumors about a ghost ship full of disease-infested, cannibal rats ready to destroy the human race, and people were obviously worried.
GM: Yes, clearly there has been a misunderstanding. While we may be on a ghost ship full of disease-infested, cannibal rats, we have no intention of destroying the human race. We’re just after the assholes with the $5,000 suits and the garbage that is unfit to eat because it is practically still fresh. What a wasteful bunch of pricks!
BC: Well I really can’t disagree with you there, General. Clearly, they are truly the lowest forms of life on Earth whose only purpose is to prevent the rest of us from obtaining our dreams and goals. Thanks for your time General Mousekewitz. I don’t think I’m alone when I say, give ‘em hell, sir!
Bocephus Chigger
bocephus@submergemag.com
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