The holiday season has been exhibiting signs of mission creep for years and it’s only getting worse. Despite Fox News’ complaints of a war on Christmas, I’ve seen candy canes, twinkling lights and Christmas trees in stores since the end of September. Such items share the shelves with plastic pumpkins, scary masks, candy corn and paper fold-out turkey centerpieces in some sort of sick holiday three-way where Santa is copulating with a ghost-filled horn of plenty.
But the shopping malls have spoken, so we must listen. At this point, there is little hope that we can stop this three-headed holiday monster from dominating our lives from September to January. We’ve tried saying, “Happy Holidays” to slow its unrelenting march, but it’s had almost no effect. Our only chance to save ourselves may be to embrace this nightmarish reality and turn it into something better. That is why, this year, I am inviting you to start a new tradition in your house. On the last Friday of November, I’m calling on you to join me in celebrating Christoweengiving Day!
Christoweengiving Day will replace Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas with one very special day that combines the best aspects of all three into one mega celebration. Why spend three days doing something when you can do it in one, after all? Of course, this will be a bit of a shock at first; people will certainly cry and complain, but there are things we can do to ease the transition.
The beloved, Jack Skellington from Tim Burton’s A Nightmare Before Christmas will assume the role of the “Santa Claus” figure of Christoweengiving. Unlike St. Nick, Jack Skellington will deliver both tricks and treats to young boys and girls around the world. Good children will receive candy, toys, video games and money, while bad children will be given terrible things like licorice and socks while also being subjected to practical jokes and ridicule from family members. Problem children will also have to do the dishes after the family’s massive Christoweengiving Day meal.
To further smooth things along, the other holiday traditions will not be completely lost, but they will need to be adapted to encompass everything we are trying to achieve here. In light of that, we will still have a tree to decorate, but it will be covered with things like spider webs, fall leaves, cranberry garlands and plastic pumpkin lights. Families will crown the tree with the leftover turkey carcass from their holiday meal to honor the pilgrims, Jesus and the lost souls of their ancestors.
The fun doesn’t stop with tree decorating. People will still go caroling, but will be encouraged to work songs like “Monster Mash” and Ray Parker Jr.’s Ghostbusters theme into their repertoire. We will still tell scary stories, only now they will be about the horribly racist and ignorant things your uncle said at dinner last year. Dressing up in costumes will still be a thing as well, so long as you are OK with that costume being the Ghost of Christmas Past, Present or Future. Finally, you are still highly encouraged to get drunk and talk politics and religion at the dinner table until your entire family is screaming at one another just like you used to do.
Christoweengiving still has all the holiday food you love only its better. In fact, the meal might be the greatest part of the new holiday. There is, of course, the turkey to satisfy the Thanksgiving crowd and to provide the finishing touch for the Christoweengiving Tree. However, the Christoweengiving turkey can be found stuffed with a duck that is itself stuffed with a chicken to form the traditional Christoweengiving Turducken. Three types of gravy shall be prepared to complement every layer of the Frankenbird and bowls of stuffing and mashed potatoes will runneth over. A loosely organized hot dog eating competition will also be held in the backyard before the Christoweengiving dinner to determine who will sit at the head of the table and get dibs on the bird wing of their choice from the Turducken.
Christoweengiving Day will be a day to stuff yourself full with delicious meats, gravies, candies and hot dogs. It will be a day to come together as a family to argue and celebrate like only a family can. Guests are expected to eat and drink until it becomes too dangerous to drive home. Sleeping at the table is actually encouraged.
If done correctly, everyone will feel like shit the next morning. To encourage such behavior and to give ourselves a chance to recover, all retail stores, offices, restaurants, coffee shops, government buildings and major highways will be closed on the day after Christoweengiving. To keep us entertained during our holiday hangover, TBS will play 24 hours of cartoons and movies with Christmas, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christoweengiving themes.
Let’s not fool ourselves; we can choose to celebrate Christoweengiving Day now or be made to later when the holidays crash together like tectonic plates gone awry. Right now, we have a chance to set the traditions and standards for Christoweengiving ourselves before the ad wizards turn it into just another excuse to buy some piece of garbage for someone you love. Christoweengiving Day can be everything I have said and more if you let it. I think I can smell the gravies already.