Weddings are great for many reasons: 1) people are in good spirits; 2) there are lots of single woman who want to be loved for one day only; 3) the booze flows freely; and 4) you get to watch old people dance to ’80s rap music (I always request Young MC’s “Bust A Move”). However, the main reason why I like weddings is because someone invariably gets too drunk and does something that you can laugh at for the rest of your life.
This is a story of indiscretion and exhibitionism. My cousin was getting married in Colorado. My whole family flew out to make the event. This was probably the first time my family was together where we were all above the legal drinking age (I think it’s 12 in Colorado). The wedding took place in the beautiful town of Longmont (yeah, I don’t know either) at some sort of Moose Lodge or Veterans Hall.
This being Colorado, only Coors and Coors Light were on tap (taste the Rockies!). These delicious options were accompanied by mini bottles of Sutterville wine”¦ mmm shitty. Being that my brother and I are alcohol snobs, we decided that instead of drinking beer flavored water, we would go get something good. This was a bit of a problem for the people staffing the event and, upon returning, we were told that outside drinks were not allowed. Undeterred, we decided to sneak them in inside our suit pockets.
We clanged our way and found a suitable hiding place. The plan was to take them into the bathroom and dump them into red cups. This was a great idea since beer weakens the bladder anyway. It was really a kill-two-birds-with-one-stone situation. As the day progressed, so did my BAC. Soon enough, I was dancing with my tie around my forehead to Billy Idol’s “White Wedding” (again my request”¦ I keep it real!). My brother was dancing with a blonde MILF who had earlier been dancing with another gentleman with a porn star mustache. She kept showing us her “Oh” face, and was immediately labeled “Freaky-Deaky” by my brother and I.
After the song ended, Freaky-Deaky went over to the bar to refill her liquid courage. She quickly found her porn star dance partner. She approached him from behind and put her arms around him. From my vantage point at our table, I could see them both well. It was so sweet and innocent”¦ two lovers in a quiet embrace. Then it happened”¦
Freaky-Deaky must have felt that this was as good a place as any to reach into the man’s pants and do the damn thing! I mean, why not, right? The handful of 8-year-old children in the room would learn this stuff from the Teletubbies, Bratz or some hidden picture on the cover of a Disney movie anyway (Little Mermaid, anyone?). At this point I was figuratively and literally on the floor, laughing my ass off and walking in circles on my side.
While my eyes were blurry with tears, the lovely couple managed to sneak away. I regained my composure and realized that it was time for a refill. I entered the stall and did my best fake cough to cover the opening of my contraband. I must have startled someone in the stall next to me because I heard a scuffle. I looked under the stall and realized there were an extra set of hooves in there, and two were in heels. At my level of intoxication, I felt it necessary to take a peek. So, I stood on the toilet to look over the wall and witness the bumping of uglies. I saw them in all their glory and subsequently laughed so hard that I fell off the toilet. They hadn’t seen me, so I ran out of the bathroom to tell my family. When they came out, all of us in the know had another laugh. It was one of those moments that really brought the family together.
Later while talking to my cousin, the woman approached and thanked her for inviting her. She said that she had a great time. I literally had to bite my lip to keep from bursting at the seams. As I held back my laughter, my cousin introduced us by saying, “Have you met my boss?” Classy. So, next time you are invited to a wedding, make sure you go and don’t forget to bring a camera (and maybe some condoms).