Prez Play: That Old Bastard, George Washington

In just a few short weeks we will be selecting the 45th president of the United States. As scary as that may be, given the candidates on deck this year, it is important to remember that we have fumbled through this before and will probably get a chance to do it again. That is, unless you vote for Trump and usher in a new era of Hell on Earth, but that’s on you.

Learning about our former presidents can help us make informed decisions when selecting future presidents. By examining the lives of ex-presidents and comparing them to their achievements, we might even be able to figure out what we actually want and need in a president. In an effort to aid in this quest for knowledge, I’ve come up with this new installment series on former presidents that I’m calling Prez Play.

Given that this is our first installment, I thought it best to start with our first president, George Washington. Before leading the Continental Army against the British during the American Revolution and becoming the first president of the United States, George Washington was a scalawag. He was a scofflaw and a scoundrel and all the other old-timey disses ye can muster.

Young George cut his teeth in the mean streets of London. He tried his hands at many trades only to fail at each one more spectacularly than the last. One of his jobs was as a barber. Unfortunately, Washington kept putting too much powder in people’s hair and his customers were leaving clouds in their wake that caused coughing fits at a time when cholera was already running rampant. Even with the lax standards of the day, Washington was quickly deemed a public nuisance and ask to vacate his barber chair for good.

After his disastrous turn as a barber, Washington got a job chopping down trees. There is a myth out there about George Washington admitting to wrongfully chopping down a cherry tree instead of lying about it to escape punishment, but that’s not really how it went down. Unsurprisingly, the story was sanitized after Washington was elected president in order to bolster his mythical status. In fact, the real story also reveals the falsity of another Washington myth: that he had wooden teeth.

Washington got a job as a lumberjack in the summer of 1750 through a favor cashed in by his father. The old man had tried time and time again to help his son settle into a career, but this was George’s last shot. George was 18 years old and still didn’t have a trade. With life expectancy so low at the time, he only had about 10 more years to make his fortune. If he blew it this time, his father wouldn’t have any more favors left to cash in, leaving George all on his own.

Washington began the job with great focus and drive. He was paid for each tree he felled and was soon clearing out large patches of forest single-handedly. But as time went on and his pockets grew fatter, Washington got greedy. He started cutting down trees outside of his area to claim extra money. He would have got away with it too if it weren’t for that one cherry tree.

In his overzealous attempts to cash in big on the lumber trade, Washington cut down a prized cherry tree on the estate of the Earl of Sandwich. The Earl was furious and asked for Washington’s head to be sliced thin, topped with Swiss cheese and placed between two slices of sourdough bread slathered with mustard and mayo. Washington, seeing paintings of the beloved tree all over the Earl’s castle, knew his goose was cooked. He pleaded with Sandwich to spare his life and promised to repay him for the egregious attack on his fine tree. The Earl reluctantly agreed and allowed George to go free to raise the funds promised, but not before punching out all of Washington’s teeth to teach him a lesson.

With no money, no teeth and a lot of cherries left over from the tree he was purchasing, George did what came naturally and began eating. The cherry pits began getting caught in his toothless maw and before long George had himself a full set of teeth. Washington patented the idea and tried to sell his “wooden” cherry pit teeth on the streets of London and had some success until his mouth and the mouths of his clients became infected from the teeth.

In the end, Washington was sued by multiple people and ran out of the country with torches and pitchforks for the whole cherry tree/cherry pit fiasco. Ultimately, he came to America to escape his creditors and because he had nowhere left to go. Then, in true American fashion, he turned the whole thing into a story about what an honest man he was.

And now you know that George Washington is full of crap! Keep an eye out for our next installment covering our country’s second president, John Adams, whom his friends lovingly referred to as, “that shit head.” It’s sure to be enlightening!