Who are we kidding here? You’ve said the same shit for the past five years and still nothing has changed. You are X but strive to be Y, and this year it’s gonna happen. Frankly, we are all tired of hearing about it. No one wants to see you go through this again. The third time is not the charm for you. If you must make a New Year’s resolution, then why not pick something you can actually do this time.

America is fat, so I bet the most common New Year’s resolution is to lose weight. I would love to see a chart of new gym memberships over the course of a year. Every January, the place is packed with wheezing, gasping, sweating wrecks. These new members fill the room with the smell of dried cured meats and garlic. They forget to wipe down the equipment, and they use all the mats. And like clockwork, every February, the place is deserted and sterile once again. By Groundhog’s Day, we are waiting for you to pop out of your hole with excuses for your shortened workout season (your leg hurts, the gym is a meat market, they don’t have any classes you like, you forgot how much you hate getting sweaty, etc.). I’m starting to think that this resolution is just an excuse to get a new pair of sweats for your lazy ass to wear around the house.

Perhaps cigarettes kept you thin in 2009, but it’s a nasty habit and it’s so beneath you. This year, by God, you’re quitting (you hear that Big Tobacco?!?). You explain that they are so expensive, and they make your colds last forever. People have told you that you smell, and you almost burnt the house down twice last year smoking in bed. No cigarettes in 2010! Of course you smoked about six packs on New Year’s Eve, and when you are caught sneaking a cigarette after midnight, you say your resolution starts after you wake up and you have to finish your last pack, otherwise it would be wasteful. Two weeks later, your habit has doubled. In all fairness, you did make it almost three whole days without a smoke and you have switched to American Spirits (they are natural!).

Enough is enough! You are tired of waking up in strange places with strange people. Your body aches and you’ve suffered several episodes of short-term memory loss. “This alcohol is killing me, and I resolve to quit drinking in 2010!” Your life is going to be so different without the pesky bottle beating you over the head every day. As it turns out, your life really is different without booze. You work long hours at a dead-end job that pays dick for a boss who still says your name wrong after 10 years. A better resolution would be to get a new job. I hear bars are great places to work!

Speaking of jobs, our next resolution is all about getting paid. Now on the surface, this one seems doable, especially given the current rock bottom conditions in which we find ourselves. The problem for this resolution is in the people who choose it. You see, people with potential to make more money don’t resolve to make more money, they just do it. Only the broke dicks of the world make resolutions to make more money (“We gettin’ mad paper this year, son!”). These people don’t understand that you generally have to do something to make money. These are the same people who aren’t required to file taxes, but still can’t collect unemployment, because they haven’t had a job in years.

To all of these people, I say, think smaller. It’s good to have goals, but it’s better to achieve them. Maybe the fat ass could cut out his Thursday morning slice of pie to lose weight. Perhaps the cigarette smoker could switch to the patch. For you drunks out there, moderation (not abstinence) is the key. In the world we live in, we could all use a little sip now and again; lest we lose what sanity we have left. Which brings me to my New Year’s resolution. I thought long and hard before settling on this, but I think it’s something I can handle. In 2010, I won’t be taking any more of your bullshit. Think I’m going to have trouble keeping it?