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You might not know shit about the world, but it’s not all your fault. Laziness and greed have made you ignorant; and for that, you can blame 24-hour cable news networks. Print media is going the way of the dodo and bloggers have limited resources to fill the void. That leaves us at the mercy of Fox, CNN and MSNBC for an accurate portrayal of the day’s events. Want to know how that’s going?

Accuracy in reporting is a quality that cable news no longer aspires to possess. These days, the name of the game is primacy, so save that fact shit for someone else. It’s all about who said something first, not who said something right. Fox, CNN and MSNBC continue to claim victories on this front, ignoring the fact that the rest of us lose in the process. The sad thing is, all three networks have the funding to do great reporting but they would rather focus on ratings gold like being the first to announce the name of Kim Kardashian’s baby. Despite their best efforts, less than 2 percent of the country actually tunes in to this garbage, but, as the holders of the investigatory purse strings, the cable news channels increasingly set the agenda.

Unfortunately, investigations take time and intelligent, resourceful reporters to pull off. And that means money. The people running cable news are in the business of making money, not spending it. Over the past 20 years, the news heads figured out that it would be much cheaper to just have people sort of talk about current events instead of hiring journalists to actually report on the facts of those events. No need to let people draw their own conclusions from the facts when reporters can give them their opinions on the day’s events instead.

It wasn’t long before the airwaves were filled with talking heads, each blowing hotter air than the next. I find it of no coincidence that our global warming issues became more prevalent during the rise of the cable news networks in the mid-‘90s and early ‘00s. If anyone at Fox, CNN or MSNBC would like to disprove my theory, I invite you to investigate into the issue further and report your findings on the causes of Global Warming. We would love to know—and it is sort of your job to tell us. I’m sure that won’t happen, though, because cable news “journalists” are more interested in winning fights than actually informing the public.

But even the news heads know that 24 hours of arguing just won’t be enough to hold the public’s attention. This “news” thing is just too boring. This is television, dammit, we need some pizzazz! We could report on the murder rates in troubled areas and how the community is being affected, or we could let Nancy Grace explain to us how Jodi Arias is the devil. We could have a candid discussion about drug use or illegal immigration, or we can keep inviting Congressman Steve King to tell us about those dang Mexicans with their cantaloupe calves, smuggling 75-pound sacks of marijuana through the deserts of Iowa.

The focus on cable news is always on the wrong place. Where was the news when we rushed into war with Iraq without cause? Where was the news when our banks were selling us shit loans and pocketing the profits hand over fist? Where was the news when those same banks continued to steal from us after we bailed them out? Where was the news when the Democrats decided to abandon the poor for corporate sponsorship and the Republicans rewrote the past 30 years of their own history?

That’s right… you were too busy covering bald-ass Britney Spears attacking her car with an umbrella. Or perhaps it was that time you had a video of Paris Hilton sucking some rich asshole’s dick. Remember when you spent an entire day showing OJ Simpson cruise down the 405 with AC Green in the white Bronco? That was almost as good as when you spent a month discussing Trayvon Martin’s choice of clothing on the night he was murdered. I know, it all just kind of runs together after a while, but I guess that’s why you are there to break it all down for us; or at least all the news that’s fit to print, that is.

-Bocephus Chigger