Who is more qualified to give advice than me? I have a law degree and a bachelor’s in psychology. Of course, I’m also single, on anti-depressants, unemployed, broke and spend a majority of my day in sweat pants”¦ but, I digress. Since giving advice is easier than taking it, I decided to jack some questions from teen advice columnist Dr. Robert Wallace, and drop some of my own words of wisdom. That’s right, kids! It’s time for Ask Dr. Bocephus!

DR. BOCEPHUS:My friend and I have been best friends for over a year, but about three weeks ago, she told me I was “bothering” her and she didn’t want to see me anymore. I’ve tried to call her, but she won’t take my calls. I am extremely upset because we were as close as sisters. What should I do?
– Leah

LEAH: Sorry, I had trouble paying attention to your question; I was distracted by your incessant whining. I can see why you have only managed to hold onto a best friend for one year. I’m not sure what you did to piss her off so much, but I bet calling her all the time to talk about it isn’t helping. Please don’t write me again. You bother me.

DR. BOCEPHUS: Don and I went steady for over six months, but broke up because he wanted to go out with another girl. Since I loved Don, this broke my heart. When we broke up, Don said he still loved me and would go out with me occasionally. Since then, we have gone out three times in four months and every time we wound up having sex.

My girlfriend told me to stop going out with Don because all he was doing was using me. I don’t think so because he swears he loves me and I still love him. And people in love have sex. Am I right?
– Curious

CURIOUS: Of course you are right; only people in love have sex, otherwise we would have lots of single-parent families. This need for love before sex is never more apparent than during your teens. A 17-year-old boy would never sleep with a girl he didn’t later plan to marry. That would be irresponsible, and we all know teenagers are responsible young adults.

Perhaps the problem is with you. You say you were going steady with Don, but did you wear his letterman jacket? Did you swear to wear his class ring on a chain around your neck? Did you text him naked pictures of yourself each morning? Did you give his best friend a BJ after the big game? If you answered “no” to any of these questions, then you don’t really understand what going steady means. Don broke up with you so that you could get your act straight. You weren’t pulling your weight in the relationship. But don’t worry! I think you are moving in the right direction; just keep going on fuck dates with him and I’m sure it will all work out.

DR. BOCEPHUS: I’m mad as heck and don’t know what to do about it. I went to the high winter formal with Bobby. We had a good time and went out together a couple of times since then.

Last week I found out that he had asked two girls to the dance before asking me. One girl already had a date and the other flat turned him down. I called him when I found out about my being in third place; he confirmed it.

I told him off and said I never wanted to go out with him again. Still, I think he owes me an apology. How should I go about getting it?
– Nameless

NAMELESS: First off, thanks for using the word “heck.” My Christian readers get hella pissed when someone uses “H-E-double-hockey-sticks.” Secondly, I’m sorry your good time at the high winter formal had to be downgraded to super shitty. It must suck to be ugly, or at least uglier than two other girls at your school. Unfortunately, I’m not sure Bobby can apologize for your horse-like face and sausage fingers. In fact, you should be thanking Bobby for taking your sorry-ass at all. No, you need an apology from your parents for passing down their bad genes.