Rod fucking Stewart

Sometimes, you have to stand up for what you believe. Sometimes, you have to speak up when everyone else is wrong, no matter the consequences. Today is one of those days, and this is one of those articles. Some bands and musicians have dumped their garbage on us for years with impunity and I cannot allow it to continue. Do not be upset with me if you like one of these terrible bands/musicians. You only have your own poor judgement to blame.

Let’s start with some low hanging fruit: Rod fucking Stewart. Rod Stewart has been trying to get in your grandma’s panties since 1961 and is still at it to this day. He rocked a Joe Dirt-style mullet for most of his life, unironically, until the weight of his ‘do threatened to crack his old neck, and he turned it in for the soccer mom look he wears today. He once had a hit song called “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?” because enough people must have told him he was not, so he needed some reassurance. There isn’t even a good voice coming out of that dilapidated ape drape. In fact, most of us can sound pretty close to Rod Stewart just by singing while gargling. Try it!

I know I am not alone in disliking the next entry into my Hall of Shame. I have cinematic proof. I think the Dude said it best in the Big Lebowski: “I hate the fuckin Eagles, man!” The Eagles took rock ‘n’ roll, watered it down with country music and transplanted it to Los Angeles to see if it would grow and destroy everything good about rock and country music. Unfortunately, they nearly succeeded and we are all worse off for it. The Eagles’ best song is about a hotel and their worst song is all of their other songs. Even the name of the band sucks. It’s like they let a first-grade class pick their favorite animal and the band went with it.

Having an animal in your band name can be a dangerous thing. You should pick something cool or at least unique, lest you end up like the Eagles. John Mellencamp reluctantly agreed to take the stage name of Cougar, which could have been cool. After all, cougars are sleek, tough and battle ready. Unfortunately, John “Cougar” Mellencamp is none of those things.

Mellencamp has an OK voice and some OK songs, but all in all he is just that: OK. I don’t have the same level of hatred for Cougar that I have for Rod Stewart, but I still don’t get the hype. The guy is kinda boring. One of his biggest hits, “Jack and Diane,” is a love song about two people with pretty generic names. He is so boring that eventually we told him to stop using Cougar so we could use it to describe a single older woman, instead. He just wasn’t thirsty enough to deserve the moniker anymore.

Who needs John Mellencamp when you’ve got Bruce Springsteen? And while we are at it, who needs Bruce Springsteen, either? If you are born in the state of New Jersey, you are required to like Bruce Springsteen, but no one else should have to. The only reason to like “Born in the U.S.A.” is because Ronald Reagan thought it was a patriotic song and liked to play it at his campaign rallies. “Banned in the U.S.A.” by 2 Live Crew is a much better song about the mistreatment of people in this country. For some reason, Springsteen is also known as the Boss. If Bruce Springsteen is the Boss, then I quit.

Speaking of quitting and dropping out, the next band on the list of awfuls is the Grateful Dead. Thousands of hippies have dropped gallons of acid and smoked tons of weed while traveling from town to town to follow the Grateful Dead around the country. To them I say, there is better music to listen to while you’re high. You don’t have to listen to a two-hour rambling guitar jam sesh if you don’t want to. And while I agree that the drugs probably help make the Grateful Dead sound better, isn’t that really just like polishing a turd? Why not pop in some Pink Floyd and shine on you crazy diamond?

Some bands just lack redeeming qualities. With bands like these, I have a hard time finding something to like about them and wonder why others have not run into similar problems. Maybe I’m too picky or perhaps someone just hasn’t played me the right Rod Stewart song yet, but I just don’t think that is the case. There can be no “right” Rod Stewart song, because Rod Stewart sucks, big time. He always has and he always will. You should stop wasting your time with him and the rest of this lot. They will only lead to heartache and loneliness.