It’s that time of year when we take stock of things. Another year has passed, and we want to look back and ask, “Hey, 2013, just what manner of year were you?” You can ponder over what that answer might be however you choose. It’s your life, pal, but here at “The Grindhouse,” we just talk about movies.
We saw a lot of movies this year. Between Netflix, HBOGo and whatever we reviewed in this space, the exact figure could be upward of eleventy billion (if that were an actual number). But is it possible to rank them in order and determine which one was the best?
Uh… Yeah, we guess it is possible, but that’s why you watch the Oscars. Instead, here are a few notable flicks that we thought were the best for various (and perhaps arbitrary) reasons. Enjoy, and stop hogging the popcorn already.
The Best Movie to Bring Your New Girlfriend To:
Evil Dead
The remake of Sam Raimi’s gory classic was just as bloody and vile as the original. There were demons and drug use and people getting nails driven into them and hot chicks slicing their faces off in the bathroom with shards of broken glass. It was pretty awesome! This was the perfect movie to bring a new girlfriend to, and, no, not because it was scary and caused her to jump all over you (pervert), but because it served as an excellent litmus test as to whether or not the relationship would pan out. If she could actually sit through this mess and enjoyed it, you could look at it in a couple of ways: you decide she’s a good sport and, therefore, a keeper; or, you get turned off by the fact that she liked such a brutal and frightening display and decide you’re probably better off moving on. Whatever you decide is probably more of a reflection of your bullshit issues than it is of what kind of person she is. And see, you thought it was just some silly horror movie.
The Best Superhero Movie I Forgot I Saw:
Iron Man 3
I know I had to have seen Iron Man 3, simply because I see every stupid superhero movie that comes out. After that, however, there are only flashes. Like Ben Kingsley playing a guy playing a supervillain. And a bunch of Iron Man suits exploding like fireworks. Don Cheadle. A pony. I just threw the pony in there, because I couldn’t think of anything else. I probably thought Iron Man 3 was pretty sweet though. How many stars did I give it?
The Best Person Ever in 2013:
Jennifer Lawrence
OK so Jennifer Lawrence technically isn’t a movie, but seriously, is there anyone better than her? I know the new pope is off to a pretty awesome start, but he’s still a distant second behind J-Law. She started off the year tripping on her way up the stairs to get her well-deserved Best Actress Oscar for the amazing Silver Linings Playbook, fended off a creepy Jack Nicholson at some Academy Awards after party, talked about her collection of butt plugs on Conan, starred as one of the coolest heroines ever in one of the biggest films of the year (The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, duh) and put a bow on 2013 in David O. Russell’s much-ballyhooed American Hustle. Plus everyone online just raves about how much they love her, because she’s so real and stuff. I mean…I love her. God. I love her.
Did I just type that out loud?
The Best Worst Movie of 2013:
Tyler Perry’s Temptation: Confession of a Marriage Counselor
If you haven’t seen this yet, you need to stop reading this right now and watch it… Are you back? I KNOW RIGHT. Shit gets real in Temptation. Jurnee Smollett-Bell (Friday Night Lights) plays Judith, a goody-two-shoes employee of a matchmaking service. She’s married and boring, and that’s cool until she meets billionaire social media tycoon Harley (Robbie Jones), who tempts her to the Dark Side.
There is so much awesomely bad awesomeness in this movie, where to begin? The Lifetime movie-style, coloned title is your first clue that Temptation is full of high-powered melodrama and heavy-handed morality. Tyler Perry ditches the cross-dressing, metes out bludgeoning moral judgment and rubs your face in Kim Kardashian’s backside for good measure. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry (OK, probably not cry), you’ll shout, “Oh no she didn’t,” at the TV screen. Temptation is perfect fodder for a drinking game, but I’m just not smart enough to come up with the rules. If you can, please email me at jb@submergemag.com and I’d be happy to post them here. Here’s to another great cinematic year in 2014!
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