I think I’m starting to develop a new kind of stress syndrome. Every time I’m watching local television and a news alert pops up, I jump, like I’m watching a scary movie. My phone buzzes with an update from the New York Times, and I want to toss it across the room and scream. (I could turn off these notifications, but I don’t know how … In fact, I don’t remember ever turning on these notifications in the first place. One day, they were there. Sort of like that creepy phone call from The Ring that just says “seven daaaaays.” Who is this?! Leave me alone! THERE’S JUST NO STOPPING IT.) I don’t think I’m the only one. The other day I was sitting in a break room with some coworkers and a special news alert popped up on the television. In the same instant, one of the guys croaked, “Oh no. What did Trump do now?”
But whatever big authoritarian dreams the Trump administration may have had have fallen on tough times. It’s a good sign that our democracy—with its checks and balances—actually works. Sure, there have been executive orders and whatnot, but those have faced opposition in the courts. Even the much ballyhooed repeal of the Affordable Care Act got derailed—by Republicans, of all people—and even though this administration has been non-stop bluster about how they were going to drain this or change that or terrific-ify the other thing, we’ve basically seen that there’s no one who can dig through the Kafkaesque, labyrinthine layers of overwhelming bureaucracy that define our political system. And we’re finally seeing why that’s a very good thing.
And you’re to thank, too, if you’ve been writing your congressmen and women, organizing and making your voices heard. Good job everyone. No matter which side of the political argument you stand on, democracy only works when the public is actively engaged in their government. Maybe this tumultuous first couple of months (that have produced three years worth of headlines) will humble our new president, as the office has done to all those who came before, and we can start a dialog and move forward amicably … OK, maybe that won’t happen right away, but it might not matter because we’re probably going to end up engaging in nuclear war with North Korea soon.
Even amid all the revelations from FBI Director James Comey’s testimony about Russian meddling in the last presidential election and the tragic terrorist attack in London, my keen anxiety receptors have been fully honed in on North Korea’s missile testing. On March 22, The Great and Awesome Republic of Awesomeness (I think that’s what it’s called) test-fired yet another missile, once again defying United Nations sanctions. The test was a failure as the rocket exploded just seconds after launch, but this has been the third such test just since President Trump has taken office, proving that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un means business as far as ensuring he maintains his position as the world’s most bat-shit crazy head of state.
“Our military declares our stand to mercilessly smash all of our enemy’s moves with our own preemptive special operation and attack, as the wicked plan for the U.S. and South Korean war maniacs’ special operations aiming at our supreme leader is becoming apparent,” read a statement broadcast on North Korea’s state-run KRT network, according to NBCNews.com.
Meanwhile, on a recent trip to Asia, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson stated that, “The policy of strategic patience has ended,” in regards to North Korea’s escalating nuclear weapons program.
So maybe it’s going to come down to who preempts who first. As of right now, North Korea doesn’t seem to have the capabilities to launch a missile that could reach the United States, and their failed test-fire may have been thwarted by U.S. cyber meddling, but who knows? Maybe they have a billion missiles. Maybe every house in Pyongyang doubles as an ICBM silo. Maybe they’re planning on strapping the weapons to a pegasus loyal only to Kim Jong Un. I mean, at this point, I’ll believe anything.
Or, I’m just as likely not to believe anything. Like, if Trump came on television tomorrow from The Oval Office and put on his best serious face and even toned down the bronzer just a bit to look more person-ish, and said in his best serious voice, like he did during his first address to Congress, that we were all in terrible danger, and we actually were, I’m not sure how I’d react. I mean, I’m not even on Twitter any more, so I might not even get the news of an impending nuclear attack until it was too late. But I’m so terrified of “Breaking News” now that when it does come on, I just leave the room, change the channel or dick around with my Magic: the Gathering collection and rock back and forth and tell myself everything is going to be OK. Look, if the shit really does go down, text me or something. Please.
We got the short end of the stick here in America as far as our leaders in politics go. Sure, our president—and you’re free to debate whether he’s an effective one or not (if there’s even such a thing as an effective president nowadays)—is an extremely charismatic public figure; and sure, all the bickering within both houses of Congress is more akin to the rantings and ravings of a Jerry Springer audience than actual governance, but there’s a dearth of the wacky and unexplainable. Sure, there are those in Congress who refuse to believe, despite heaps of scientific evidence, that evolution is a thing (let’s not even go as far as climate change…one thing at a time here), but that’s easily explained with a simple, “Well, they’re idiots.” Done and done. In other parts of the world, their leaders are way more enigmatic and totally bonkers.
Vladimir Putin is challenging Kim Jong-un for the top of that list. As February turned to March, Putin, who seems to absorb the spotlight much in the same way as the cast of The Jersey Shore soaked up fake tans, mysteriously stopped making public appearances. The rumor mill started flying about what could have happened to him, and some of the shit people were saying was absolutely awesome.
The first was that his disappearance was linked to a botched Botox injection. I started with this one because it was my least favorite of the rumors. I mean, it’s really funny, but if life were a movie and Putin was, like, the evil mad scientist or something that you eagerly wanted the hero to defeat, and said hero vanquished him with a single injection of Botox, you’d be pretty disappointed. But I guess for someone who portrays himself as so macho, the irony of being undone by such a wimpy medical procedure is pretty awesome.
Another rumor was that he was in Switzerland to witness the birth of his love child. This is the most National Enquirer of the Putin rumors. I guess it’s OK, because it kind of reminds me of something James Bond would do—the problem being, I like James Bond and Putin is more of a power-hungry, homophobic dick. It was being reported by various sources that Putin’s perhaps-girlfriend Alina Kabaeva, a medal-winning Russian rhythmic gymnast (i.e. someone James Bond would totally have sex with) gave birth to a baby boy (or girl?) in the Italian-speaking Swiss canton of Ticino. However, it’s unclear whether or not this birth ever really happened (I couldn’t find confirmation one way or the other). The Kremlin denied this was the cause of Putin’s absence from the public eye. I just don’t know what to believe anymore. Is life even real, bro?
My favorite rumor involved a coup. A coup! Could you imagine such a thing? Could you imagine if our populace cared enough about where their government was steering the country to pull their heads out of their smart phones and actually throw a coup? It’s like a fantasy. Coups happen all the time all over the world, just not here. I guess if you have three SUVs in your driveway, whether you’re pissed off about the government “trying to take your guns away” or not, coup-ing is near the bottom of your to-do list. We’ve just got it too good over here. Reuters was reporting that the killing of opposition party leader Boris Nemtsov had stirred the pot within Putin’s palace, causing a divide among his allies.
Of course there were rumors that he was seriously ill or even dead, but, no, as far as we can tell now, the dude’s still kicking.
In actuality, he was probably just under the weather—maybe? TV Rain, Russia’s independent news network, reported that he had the flu; however, an Austrian news outlet said Putin was dealing with back problems. Uh… wait. So, like, maybe the flu is in his back? Oh OK, there’s an official statement that probably cleared everything up. When asked about Putin’s health and whereabouts, Kremlin spokesperson Dmitry Peskov said, “The topic is closed.”
OH!
Oh.
Well I guess there’s nothing more to write about.
Remember the good old days? When North Korean leader Kim Jong-il passed away, I wrote that I’d miss him. He was just so cooky, you know? When he was gone, I was hopeful that his successor, Kim Jong-un wouldn’t be as nukey. Unfortunately, it looks like he’s every bit as bomb-crazy as his Papa Bear was, but without the sweet hairdo.
In recent weeks, Kim the younger has been all about the nukes. He put an end to the ceasefire between North and South Korea and has just been causing all kinds of fuss with his crazy war threats. Look, I’m sick of it. Just pull the fucking trigger already.
I’ve been dealing with this nuclear war nonsense since the goddamn ‘80s. That was 30 years ago. Some of you might not have been born yet, but let me tell you, it was a pain in the ass. Everything was about nuclear holocaust. That’s all anyone ever thought about. No one gave a shit about zombies or terrorists. Both of those things suck, but nuclear bombs are way worse. Like, if you were to arrange zombies, terrorists and nuclear weapons into a game such as Rock, Paper, Scissor, you could argue whether zombies would beat terrorists or vice-versa, but it really wouldn’t matter because nuclear weapons would fry the fuck out of both of them. There’s no rebuilding after a nuclear holocaust. It’s pretty much just handing the keys to the planet over to the rats and cockroaches and saying, “Thanks for letting us run the place for a while, dudes, hope you take better care of it than we did.”
The threat of nuclear war has permeated pretty much every aspect of my being since I was a young tike. It’s all over TV and movies: the entire Terminator series, just about every season of 24 and Hell Comes to Frogtown. Even the stupid song that I stole the title of this column from all deal with some crackpot deciding he wants to press a button and wipe out everything—all the farmers markets and baseball stadiums and just-simply-adorable brunch spots and everything. That hottie in chemistry class, too. Why would someone want to go ahead and do that?
Nuclear death has been one of my most recurring nightmares (it’s actually second behind zombies…fucking zombies). I’m sick of worrying about it! I have other things I should be worrying about, like, finding a dentist and making preparations for old age and whether or not that nagging pain that I sometimes get in my knee when it rains means that I might have to get my leg partially amputated at some point down the road. Now you want to throw complete annihilation of the planet on top of all that? Nuh-uh. Fuck you, bro. I’m not having it.
Now we’re tasking John Kerry (Mr. Fucking Personality) with furthering disarmament talks with the North Koreans. “We’re prepared to reach out,” Kerry was quoted as saying in an article on Washingtonpost.com, given “the appropriate moment and the appropriate circumstance.” Whatever that’s supposed to mean.
An unnamed official quoted in the same article tried to clarify Kerry’s remarks with, “Our position hasn’t changed, and there are no plans to move toward direct talks, because North Korea has shown no willingness to move in a positive direction.”
Like, not for anything, but has North Korea ever showed willingness to do anything? It seems like someone from our government is always trying to “further talks,” which just sounds like politician speak for not talking at all, with South Korea’s wacky neighbor, and then everything gets quiet for a little while, and then some video emerges from Pyongyang with all these soldiers doing this crazy marching shit and flowers and giant colorful posters and anti-everyone-who’s-not-North-Korean rhetoric. Only Dennis Rodman has actually gone over there to see what’s up. I don’t know, maybe we can just hire him as the ambassador over there or something. He can teach Kim Jong-un how to rebound, and he’ll be so stoked that he won’t even think about nuclear weapons again.
But, seriously, I’m over it. Just figure it the fuck out or don’t. I don’t care at all at this point. If it were up to me, I’d probably just get on the phone to Pyongyang and say, “Look. If you really want to do this, just go ahead. Push the button so we can all see who picked the right God.” Once we had that question answered, I guess everyone would stop bickering in the Middle East, so, you know, two birds with one stone.
As if 2011 didn’t have enough notable deaths, Kim Jong Il kicked the proverbial bucket on Dec. 17, 2011. The enigmatic and charismatically bonkers world leader ruled North Korea for 17 years before dying of a heart attack at age 69. He took over the reins of the reclusive Asian country in 1994 from the country’s previous leader and Jong Il’s father, Kim Il Sung, who coincidentally also died of a heart attack (the elder Kim made it into his eighties, though).
Around the table on Christmas Eve, after a couple of glasses of wine, a relative showed me a YouTube video of North Koreans mourning the loss of their great leader. I’m painfully cordial at dinner tables, especially during the holidays. Death is not something that I find polite to discuss. The only thing less polite would be to converse about politics. But the video sure was striking. One image from the video particularly struck me. It was of a man crying–just bawling–on the steps of what I assumed was a government building.
“Can you believe it?” my relative asked.
Given the press Kim Jong Il has gotten on this side of the Pacific, it’d be difficult to believe that anyone would shed a tear over his passing. Yet, here this man was, sobbing so openly you’d think it was his wife or mother. It made me think about how relative everything is. Who knows? Perhaps this reaction was a calculated piece of propaganda to either show that Jong Il was beloved by his people; or, maybe it was a device wielded by those to prove the opposite–that the people of North Korea are so brainwashed that they thought the fruit bat who led them was someone likened to a god.
Even gods die, though. Just ask Zeus. The world wondered if the death of the country’s supreme leader would leave a power vacuum in North Korea. These thoughts were laid to rest on Dec. 29, 2011 as Kim Jong Un, Jong Il’s son, was named as his father’s successor. In fact, he was even dubbed “The Great Successor,” which may very well be the coolest title a world leader can have.
According to an article on SFGate.com, Kim Yong Nam, North Korean Chairman of the Presidium of the Supreme People’s Assembly (I’ll take it back, that is the coolest title a world leader can have) said of Jong Un, “Respected Comrade Kim Jong Un is our party, military and country’s supreme leader who inherits great comrade Kim Jong Il’s ideology, leadership, character, virtues, grit and courage.”
So Yong Nam not only has a cool title, but he’s also not shy with the adjectives. I’ve always been fascinated by the North Korean supreme leader, simply because the stories you hear about the country seem so deliciously fictitious. It’s like something out of a surrealist novel, or maybe even an epic poem. When I first heard the news of his death, my knee-jerk reaction was that it was some kind of hoax. Really, I sort of hoped it was, because as crazy as he might have been, his image–the Elvis hair, stoic face and outlandish clothing–made the world more interesting. I wasn’t the only one who thought so. Even as Jong Un was being named the new supreme leader, Kim Jong Il souvenir sales surged just across the North Korean border into China, according to an article published by the Agency France-Presse. One such vendor of these trinkets stated that she had sold “50 to 60 lapel pins every day during the 13-day mourning period” after Jong Il’s death. Any way you slice it, he certainly had an effect on people.
Who knows what legends will surround the new guy, but he certainly got his career off to a memorable start, one already clouded by conjecture. The Great Successor was unveiled at a massive memorial service for his father that saw hundreds of thousands of people converge upon Kim Il Sung Square in Pyongyang to pledge their fealty and support to the country’s new leader, according to SFGate.com. Strangely enough, CBS News reported that “Tens of thousands” attended the same memorial.
I guess the passing of Kim Jong Il and the tale of his successor are like many other things in life. It’s all about what you want to believe–like Santa Claus, or Balloon Boy, or that watching The Jersey Shore on a regular basis doesn’t make you a terrible person. I’d wager there’s probably a little bit of truth in everything, no matter how bizarre, vile or improbably wonderful, which is most likely why the world is such a fascinating place. Rest in peace, KJI, or some semblance thereof.
