Opinion

America According to Trump

You are not going to believe what I came across recently. Like any good news man, I have people going through the White House’s garbage looking for scandals, crimes, blackmail attempts and boudoir photos of Putin on horseback. Until recently, my crack squad of investigators hadn’t turned up bupkis, but…

“Welcome to Hawkins: Let’s Make Monsters Scary Again”

Welcome to the upside down. Just kidding. It’s just me. Mollie. I’m taking over this week, just like Stranger Things took over my Fourth of July. Did you guys have a great Fourth? I hope so. I used to get really into going to house parties/BBQs in Midtown, watching block…

A Time When Only Pasta Mattered

It was the early 1990s and I was a weird child. On most weekends, my friend would spend the night or I would stay at his house. We weren’t into drugs or drinking in those days and were more likely to be hopped up on sugar and caffeine than anything…

I’m Just Gonna Be a Frontrunner This Time

Did anyone watch the first democratic presidential debate(s) last week? I didn’t. It’s not because I’m not interested in politics; I am. And it’s not because I don’t care about who America chooses to take on the incumbent in the 2020 election; I do. I just want to vote for…

Progressive Agenda

I heard today that there are massive power outages in Argentina and Uruguay—though I guess massive is an understatement. NPR said that Argentina and Uruguay are completely without power. How does that happen? I’d also heard that Sudan has been without internet for 13 days. The reason for this outage…

One Man’s Cruel and Unusual is Another Man’s Pleasure

Did you know the entire planet recently fell into a black hole and traveled through a time warp? When I went to sleep, it was 2019, but by the next morning, I realized that I had actually traveled back hundreds of years. My day started out normally enough; I woke…

Triggered

The Sunday morning news show circuit used to be serious business. Gravelly voiced, hoity-toity-type folks would field tough, probing inquiries from shrewd journalist-types. You’d get facts and information and something to soothe the hangover you’d no doubt acquired through binge drinking the night before. I mean, why else would you…

GoT to Have More

It pains me to say it, but the television adaptation of Game of Thrones is officially over. Few things have remained constant in my adult life, but Game of Thrones feels like it’s always been there. I won’t easily forget the last eight seasons of brutal and tragic killings, dragon…

Will IPO for Food

I’ve never thought I had a head for business. Honestly, I’ve never really tried. I’m not sure if it’s poor self-confidence, or simply being confident in knowing that I’d probably muck it all up drastically. It’s funny how those edges are so easily blurred. I admire people who do start…

The (Not So) Glamorous Life

They say the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, but what they don’t tell you is how your neighbor gets his lawn so goddamn green. I used to think it had something to do with the chemicals used, frequency of feeding, meticulousness of cutting and…