Have you seen this country? It’s fucking huge, as far as countries go, so I doubt you have. The United States is full of pockets of awesomeness that must be seen firsthand to truly understand their magnitude. Some will seem as if they are from another place and sometimes even another planet. The sheer difference in terrain between the east and west and north and south of this country promise a lifetime’s worth of sights and things to do.

Unless your name is Forrest Gump, you probably aren’t going to try to do it all at once, and I’d say that’s a smart move. There is a lot of loving to go around; no need to blow your load all at once. Your trip can be short or long, just be sure to take your time and enjoy yourself.

You are about to embark on one of our country’s most treasured pastimes: the road trip. Hopefully, it will be something you want to remember and it should be if you avoid some potential buzz kills. The road can be your friend if you let it, but it can also kick your ass sometimes if you aren’t prepared.

The most important part of the road trip is having fun. The second most important part is having a car that will last you through the trip. If you don’t rent a car for your journey, make sure yours is in working order. Get an oil change and check the tires at the very least. It’s also a good idea to have a battery backup or jumper cables in case you get stuck somewhere. Finally, your ass is going to spend a lot of time in that seat, so try to make it as comfortable as possible, if it’s not already, and don’t forget to wear your fat pants!

Road Trip bocephus

Which leads me to the next most important part of the road trip: snacks. Pulling over every time someone feels hungry or thirsty is going to make you want to smack your fellow road warrior upside the head. Instead, keep it moving with some chips, or salami and crackers. You can fit plenty of crap in a little cooler that should only need ice once a day or so. Trail mix is another great option and could just as easily be called road mix. I’m surprised some asshole in marketing hasn’t already exploited this fact. Whichever you decide, try not to make it too ambitious. I’ve made my share of sandwiches in a car, but that shit can be dangerous!

Stuffing your face in the car is only part of the fun to be had on your road trip. All that driving happens for a reason after all. Usually, a road trip has some sort of ultimate destination before you return to your boring awful life, but that leaves you with a lot of wiggle room to see other things along the way. Figure out where you are staying and see what cool things are around there. These little detours are what road trips are all about.

Nearly everything is in place now and once you figure out where you will go, the excitement level will surely continue to climb until your road trip can finally begin. All this bad boy needs now is a soundtrack to carry you through your journey. Regular radio sucks on the road because the stations keep changing up as you go. Satellite radio, Spotify and podcasts can really cover a lot of musical tastes to help keep up the momentum on long car rides, but they don’t always work on the road unless you get your download on. Hell, you might even want to dig some of those old CDs out of your closet and bring those along as well, just in case. You can’t have a road trip without tunes.

Now you are ready. Pack your bags and throw them in the trunk. Gas up the car and get your back pillow in place. Start the car and let “Holiday Road” blare from the stereo. You’ve got more food than you could ever possibly eat and yet you’ve undoubtedly forgot to pack something, but it doesn’t matter. The road and where it takes you are all that matter now. So where are you going to go?

-Bocephus Chigger