Adam Carolla brings the Christmas spirit
Words by Adam Saake | Photos by Barry David Marcus

Adam Carolla has been a part of many Americans’ lives over the years, humorously ranting and raving on the airwaves on shows like Loveline with Dr. Drew, where troubled teens and impotent twenty-somethings would call the show asking for advice about sex or eating disorders. Dr. Drew would very intelligently address the issues while Carolla would successfully dumb down the show by berating female guests about the size of their breasts. Then there was The Man Show, a chauvinistic program where large-breasted women bounced on trampolines, an old man drank pints of beer in one gulp and a little boy with a hidden camera hilariously offended pedestrians with various crude pranks. Later he ended up on a CBS Radio syndicated morning program simply titled The Adam Carolla Show. It was his own show this time, flanked by the lovely Teresa Strasser and then, unfortunately, by the please-put-your-shirt-back-on-Danny Bonaduce.

Those shows all eventually ran their course, save for The Adam Carolla Show, which became a podcast and has enjoyed success on the Internet. Carolla squeezed out an independent film titled The Hammer and recently put out a book, In Fifty Years We’ll All Be Chicks, that has been sitting comfortably on the New York Times best sellers list–the latter to his surprise.

“I thought you had to be a smart guy,” says Carolla. “I thought you had to be someone I’d heard of as an author to do that.”

Maybe he isn’t a “smart guy” or maybe he isn’t giving himself enough credit, but either way his career has enjoyed a productive pace. Carolla has found his success and has stayed working by keeping his options open.

“For me it’s about moving forward and seeing what’s out there,” Carolla explains. “I don’t plot it out too heavily. If I show up somewhere, I want to do a good job. I write a book, I want it to be funny. If I make an independent movie, I want people to like it.”

What’s ironically funny, although, is that he’s just not that into it all.

“Then I want to go back to my garage.”

Submerge caught up with Carolla before he begrudgingly made his way to Burbank, Calif., airport to begin a tour of live shows titled Christmas Carolla that will hit Sacramento’s Crest Theatre next month.

Do you like going out on tour and doing the whole standup thing?
No. Nah.

Not into it?
Not really. I always prefer to stay home.

What is it about it that you don’t like?
I don’t like the travel part, and I don’t like the performing part, but other than that… And I don’t like the hotel part, but other than those elements…

So basically no part of it.
No, there’s no part of it that I enjoy. But it would be nice. I just don’t and never really have.

Some musicians live on the road and that’s all they know; while for others like yourself, touring is just a small part of your career.
No one is crazy about the travel, but they feel good once they get up on stage. I don’t even like getting up on stage. So there’s nothing in it for me, really. I just do it for the money. I don’t mind being on stage, I just don’t get off on it that much.

There’s no feeding off the crowd?
No, no. Never had that. Wish I did.

Is it hard to get yourself amped up to go on stage?
No, I don’t do anything. I just walk out on stage. It’s easy really. There’s no baggage attached to it. I just walk out on stage. I think if you have to get yourself amped up, then maybe you do get that rush. I don’t get that thing. I just want to go up there, get it over with and get out of there. Not really miserable, I just treat it like school. I just want to show up and hear that bell ring and go home. I wish I got a little more out of the live experience than I do.

What can fans expect from the Christmas Carolla show?
We took bits that we do, like, we do “What Can’t Adam Complain About?” and we’ll just do a “What Can’t Adam Complain About?” Christmas version. Instead of shouting out anything under the sun, you’ll have to shout out something that is somewhat related to the Christmas spirit.

Like if I was an audience member and I yelled out, “eggnog,” then you would say…
I’d say, it’s got a zillion calories but it’s awesome tasting. It’s as close to drinking semen as man has ever produced. So it’s homoerotic. There’s not a lot of bang for your buck in the buzz department, but it’s really good if you want to put on weight and know what it’s like to be gay for an evening. But it’s yummy shit, you know? It’s really the only thing that has the word “nog” in it. I feel like there used to be “nog” in a lot of words years ago and it’s the last vestige of “nog.” I mean, there’s “Naugahyde” but even that isn’t really used anymore.

Or “noggin.”
Yeah, I just feel like there was probably a lot. Five hundred years ago there was probably “beefnog” and “milknog” and “porknog.” There was probably lots of “nogs,” I bet. There were probably sports drinks that ended in “nog.”

I think it tastes terrible unless there’s a lot of booze in it. Personally.
Fresh-ground nutmeg seems to help eggnog a lot. For some reason it works; I don’t know why.

Where did the idea for the book, In Fifty Years We’ll All Be Chicks, come from? Was it something that was always in the wing?
No, somebody came to me and asked me if I wanted to write a book for money. That’s how it works. That’s how everything works.

And you said “sure.”
Yeah. No one ever talks that way but that’s how it works. And then you write a good book. I think they think that it will somehow take away from the product. They think that the product’s going to suffer because you say, “Well it wasn’t my idea to write the book,” or, “I never wanted to write the book,” or, “Somebody told me to write the book so I wrote the book.” And everyone’s going to think, “How good can this book be, he didn’t even want to write it?” But that’s untrue. It’s the same way with the performing. I’m not really into performing and I’d rather stay home than go down to Burbank airport in the next couple hours and get on a plane for Sacramento. But when I walk out on stage I aim to please. I’m there to do a job.

So, the same with the book. You’re not a writer and you’re not into writing a book, but in the end the fans can expect a good product.
I’m not going to do something where everyone just gets to say, “Nah, not his best.” We’re in this society now where it’s immediate. If you want to know how you’re doing or how you did, there’ll be a bunch of Twitter shit. “Went down to the Crest Theatre and saw Carolla, seemed like he was tired. Not as funny as the podcast.” You know? That’s what will happen. You’ll just see it on Twitter. You can leave after the show, go to your hotel room and fire up your iPhone and see just how shitty you did.

Sacramento has a special place for you in their hearts due to your morning run on CBS Radio’s syndicated program that aired mornings on the now-defunct KWOD 106.5. Do you miss radio at all? What about it? Or is the podcast a better fit for you?
It’s not that much different so I don’t feel like there’s much missing. There’s no hole and I don’t feel incomplete or anything. It was pretty straightforward. The work is about the same, so the work doesn’t feel much different to me. Thus I don’t think like, oh man I really miss this sport, because I feel like I’m participating in that sport slightly. It feels maybe like going from U.S. rules to Canadian rules football or something. Still feels like you’re playing ball.

One of your bits is called Huell’s Jewels where you rip on Huell Howser from California Gold. How did that bit come about? Did you stumble upon him while watching public television?
I’ve been aware of Huell Howser for some time, just growing up. I’d just been sort used to Huell and watching him take his tortilla factory tours and I didn’t think much of it. At some point he went down to the Baghdad Café and talked to some guy about rocks; some guy who collected rocks in a coffee can. It dawned on me that this is insane what he’s doing and how enthusiastic he is. It just hit me. It was at that point that I just went into work one day and I said let’s pull all this Huell Howser stuff and let’s screw around with it. And somehow Dana Gould got sucked into it. Dana Gould, turns out, does a fantastic Huell Howser even though I don’t think he knew it at the time. It just turned out to be serendipity.

You hosted Loveline from 1995—2005, a 10-year run. How did the callers’ questions change over that 10-year period?
I don’t feel like they changed too much over the course of the show. I guess there used to be a lot piercing questions that have seemed to have gone. I never really gave it a lot of thought. I’d just show up, talk, get my paycheck and go home kind of a thing. The questions didn’t vary too much over the years just because kids will be kids or teens…teens. There would be some trend, but by and large it was usually the same screwed-up teens and the same screwed-up questions.

What is it about your career that you actually enjoy?
I like doing the podcast. I like the sort of freewheeling, unscripted aspect to performance. It’s nice when you’re doing a radio show and you’re making fun of Huell Howser and you find a moment. You have a moment where you start to hit a stride and a rhythm and it really feels like you’re really having a moment and that feels good. That happens on occasion. Other things that I’ve done–you know The Man Show was fun but it involved a lot of preparation, and there was a lot of writing and decision-making. Things of that nature that fall under the heading of work. It seems like a party. You’re doing stuff you want to do with people you want to do it with, but still ends up being a fair bit of work. Ultimately I like cars. I like working on cars. I like racing cars and things to do with cars. That’s the bottom line with me. I’m simple and mechanical.

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