By Julie De La Torre
It’s that time of year again, people. The leaves are starting to change their colors, the temperature is slowly falling and the army of basic bitches have traded in their flip-flops for Ugg boots as they prepare to orchestrate their pumpkin-flavored assault on the rest of society. For as long as I can remember, Halloween has always been a favorite holiday of mine. Partially because I was into the dark, macabre spirit of it all. And well, partially because I was a fat kid who was also really into Snickers. But I digress.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve noticed what was once an awesome night packed with terrifying costumes and arduous trick-or-treating missions, has transformed into a pathetic, watered-down event full of helicopter parents armed with EpiPens. As Oct. 31 quickly approaches, here is your guide to making sure that your Halloween doesn’t totally suck. I promise the kids will thank you, whether you’re taking out your own or just handing out treats to the ones in your neighborhood. And when you see that coin-collecting dentist neighbor of yours washing off the mixture of egg yolks and regret from his aluminum siding, well, you can thank me then.
1) “Trunk-or-Treating” is stupid. Stop.
Never heard of trunk-or-treating before? Consider yourself lucky, if that’s the case. Trunk-or-treating is the equivalent to tailgating for type 2 diabetes, since there’s no added benefit of getting any kind of exercise like you would from the long stretches of “old school” trick-or-treating. You and the rest of your parent friends rally up your little gaggle of freeloaders, pack up the trunk full of sweets (or, if you insist on being the uptight buzzkill of the pack who I’ll describe in more detail later on, healthy alternatives like orange slices) then drive to your local church congregation or other empty parking lot of your choice. Upon arrival, proceed to pop open the hatch of your late model Chrysler Town and Country or similar style grocery getter, and allow your kids to go from car to car asking adults for candy. Because that’s totally not creepy at all.
2) If you’re thinking about handing out stupid shit: don’t.
Look, I get it. You want to be health conscious or whatever, that’s cool. I respect that…on any other day of the year. Come on, do you really want to be the parent who’s caught passing out walnuts and toothbrushes? Or mandarins? Or any other kind of gluten-free, paleo-friendly, free range handfuls of misery? No, I didn’t think so. And for the love of God and all that is holy, STOP GIVING KIDS PENNIES. I’m a full-grown adult and I don’t even want my own pennies, so I highly doubt that the 8-year old dressed like Star-Lord from Guardians of the Galaxy wants to deal with your shit, either. Stick to the Milky Ways. Stick to the Butterfingers. I promise a few days of fun-sized binge eating isn’t going to throw the kid into a downward spiral and ruin his chances of getting into an Ivy League. Live a little.
3) Get your kids a real costume.
It doesn’t have to be an expensive costume, but get them some kind of costume; otherwise they’re just little glorified panhandlers in training. At least if they’re decked out in Ninja Turtles and Frozen gear, I’ll be distracted by their cuteness instead of yelling at them to get off my lawn. And please, stop letting them dress up like Uncle Si from Duck Dynasty or a strip of bacon. Use a creative bone in your body for once.
4) Let kids be kids…for the most part.
Again, I get it. It’s a nightmarish world out there full of creeps and weirdos, so of course you want to do what’s best for your children by protecting them. However, micromanaging their every move can be just as toxic. Assuming they’re old enough to know that playing in traffic isn’t cool, make a plan with them, know exactly who they’re with, where they’ll be and when they’ll be back. You’ll be proud to find out that your kid isn’t a walking Darwin Award at the end of the night, and you might even get a couple of hours to do something fun for once. Go nurse that loveless marriage of yours. Or watch Dance Moms. Whatever floats that boat.
5) Have fun. Get scared. Stop whining.
No, seriously. Look back to how you celebrated Halloween as a kid. I’m sure part of the romance of it all was wanting to simultaneously cry and piss your pants at the same time. When I was 3 years old, my dad wanted to keep me from going out into the garage. So, he decided to plant the scariest old man mask hanging from one of his toolboxes as a deterrent. I was scared to go out into my own garage until I was almost a pre-teen. Looking back now, part of me knows he just wanted to keep me from fucking with his drill bits. The other part of me knows he thought it was absolutely hilarious to semi-traumatize me for life. Pass on the terror. Your children will thank you later when they’re pranking their own kids.
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