Presidents sometimes pardon a turkey for Thanksgiving, saving the bird from death’s cruel clutches. When it happens, we are told that the turkeys will be “sent to a farm” where they will live out their days in the joyous company of other turkeys. Your parents probably told you the same thing when your dog died. They lied to you then, and the government is lying to you now; just ask Edward Snowden.
Did you know that these pardoned turkeys have been funneled into CIA training camps since November 2001? It was a genius idea, really. While many religions have restrictions for certain type of foods, most don’t have a problem with turkey. This dietary backdoor allowed the CIA’s special ops turkeys (aka the Jive Turkeys) to infiltrate deep into the heart of radical religious organizations around the world.
At first, the program was a success. The information was pouring in like gravy, but the spies’ thirst for intel could not be quenched. The CIA kept pushing the Jive Turkeys into more and more dangerous missions and some of them weren’t making it back alive. “What’s the point of a presidential pardon if we just end up dead somewhere in the Middle East?” they’d squawk, but their protests fell on deaf ears at the Company.
When the CIA assigned the Jive Turkeys with the impossible task of destroying ISIS, the birds decided they’d had enough. They wanted to help their fellow feathered friends back home and they couldn’t do that from Iraq or Syria. They needed to stop the holiday massacres that were taking place in the United States year after year.
When they refused to fight, the CIA finally understood that turkeys weren’t as simple as tracing your hand on a piece of paper and adding a beak. Complex or not, the CIA wasn’t about to let their prized birds get away with all of their secrets. The Company sent out a squad of assassins to kill the Jive Turkeys, but their goons were no match. The assassins were slaughtered and the Jive Turkeys escaped to Switzerland, where they were given temporary asylum.
Switzerland’s sheltering of the Jive Turkeys should have come as no surprise to the CIA; turkey and Swiss have maintained a close relationship for centuries. The Swiss were hip to the cause and supplied the Jive Turkeys with their famous knives for the pending battle. Switzerland also gave the birds time to regroup and plan their first major attack as free turkeys before the dreaded holidays were upon them again.
The Butterball Turkey Company had systematically decimated the turkey population for decades. The Jive Turkeys needed to stop their treachery once and for all, so they swooped into Butterball HQ, overwhelmed the paltry security detail and forced the CEO of Butterball to tell his turkey farmers to free millions of Butterball turkeys around the country. When they saw that it was done, the turkeys removed the CEO’s head and stuffed his body full of bread, celery, onions and spices before baking him in an oven at 325 degrees for about 12 hours.
Newly freed turkeys flooded the streets to join the Jive Turkeys. A million turkeys ended up occupying Butterball HQ for over a month. The Jive Turkeys were well trained and had planned meticulously. Try as they might, the military could not wrestle control of the corporate offices from the Jive Turkeys and they were only growing stronger.
Their attacks grew bolder. The Jive Turkeys killed Jared from Subway for pushing all those low-fat turkey subs. Jennie-O found herself ground up and shrink-wrapped into one-pound packages as well. Copies of A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving were burned in effigy.
The military couldn’t stop the Jive Turkeys, but the poor people could. The nation’s hungry masses descended on their nests and turkeys started to go missing by the dozens. Hoping to capitalize on public sentiment, the army set up several large deep fryers and smokers in strategic locations around the Jive Turkeys’ camps. They invited world-renowned chefs to prepare collard greens, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, candied yams and rolls for the gun-toting public and their freshly killed turkeys.
In the end, the Jive Turkeys fought hard, but their beaks couldn’t seem to pierce the layers of fat surrounding the Americans’ vital organs. They also didn’t foresee how hungry the Americans would actually be. Not even tryptophan could save the Jive Turkeys from the gnashing teeth of their captors. Every turkey in the country was dead within a week and humanity was saved.
This year, when you eat your holiday turkey, remember that that turkey could have been eating you if it weren’t for your fellow Americans. They sacrificed everything to fight indigestion and tight pants, just so you could live another day without a turkey pecking your god damn eye out. Now why don’t you be thankful for that?
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