Getting to Know Your Candidates

The 2012 Presidential elections are just around the corner, but you already know that. Unless you’ve been hiding out in your doomsday shelter for the past four years, you’ve watched the Republicans squirm in their seats, cry like babies and demand that they be put in charge. Well, their chance is finally here as the Republican primaries are officially under way.

Voters have already spent months smelling each candidate’s shit, trying to see which one’s stool contains more corn and less terrorism. At this point, we’ve heard the policy positions (and the lack thereof) and talking points. We’ve witnessed the hand shaking, baby kissing and back peddling. And yet, do we truly know these would-be giants?

In an effort to paint a more complete picture of our next president, I did some digging into the pasts of each remaining Republican candidate. With my supreme journalism skillz, no detail was left unturned. I have dug into the cores of these men, and now I share what I’ve found with you.

John Huntsman has secretly accepted the fact that he won’t be President of the United States, but he has not yet given up on New Hampshire. His third-place primary finish in the Granite State made Huntsman believe that he can convince New Hampshirites to secede from the Union in 2012. If successful, Huntsman will name himself Supreme Leader of New New Hampshire and he will rule until his death.

Did you know that Rick Santorum has a secret past? Santorum was left at the doorstep of a Muslim couple as a baby. Mr. and Mrs. Leekee named their new son Anile. In his early twenties, Anile had a falling out with his parents as he felt that Islam was not strict enough on women and too accepting of homosexual values. Anile threw on a sweater vest, changed his name to Rick Santorum and put the whole mess behind him for the rest of his life.

Who needs life when you can be a machine? Mitt Romney’s systems were first initialized thousands of years ago on the planet Cybertron. Back then, he was known as Romnemus Prime and he was the keeper of the Creation Matrix (or “Allspark” as the teens call it). He gave life to thousands of machines; at least he did until he fell under the influence of the Decepticons and was banished from the galaxy.

Romnemus Prime crash-landed near what is now Boston. Some MIT grad students discovered him about 100 years later. The students reactivated his systems and began teaching Romnemus Prime how to be human-ish. When the training was complete, he thanked the school by changing his name to Mitt.

Not to be out science-fictioned, apparently Ron Paul is a time-traveling, Nazi scientist. In 1945, Paul built and successfully tested a time-traveling zeppelin filled with racist newsletters. Arriving in 1997, Paul snuck across the Mexican border and began distributing newsletters in Texas. His blend of racism and fiscal conservatism really spoke to the people, and before long he was elected to represent Texas’ 14th Congressional District.

Rick Perry used to be on death row. He faced the electric chair in 1985 but somehow managed to survive the experience. Tanned and salt-cured like beef jerky, Perry was left with no prior memories and little actual education. Perry was accepted to Texas A&M immediately on a full scholarship and eventually graduated Magna Cum Laude. When asked today to name his proudest moment, Perry would likely answer the day he got his “Magnet Cum Ladle.”

Despite being pumped full of electricity, Perry has endured. When faced with adversity themselves, others, like Newt Gingrich, haven’t been so lucky. Gingrich was repeatedly dropped on his head…as an adult. Newt has an adult baby fetish and his bulbous frame has caused him to slip out of a few arm cradles in his day. Each blast to his massive baby head caused poor Newt to flip policy positions and forget who his wife is. I looked into whether this was also the reason Gingrich is such a dick, but it turns out he has just always been that way.

Given the nature of these shocking discoveries, I have no doubts that their publication will change the outcome of the 2012 presidential election. The Republicans have their work cut out for them if they hope to make one of these magnificent bastards our next president.

*Relax, it’s a joke dumbass.