Saving the Economy (and Congress) One ‘80s Movie at a Time

Richard Pryor has a plan to fix our economy. I know it sounds crazy, but he’s actually known what to do since 1985. The economy is jacked, but there is still hope: we can inherit our way out of this mess. Democrats rejoice: a minority thought of this idea! Republicans, remember who was president in 1985? That’s right, RONALD REAGAN! It practically came from Reagan himself, in a way. So now that everyone is on board are you ready for the idea?

Brewster’s Millions stars Richard Pryor as a down-on-his-luck, minor league baseball player named Montgomery “Monty” Brewster. Like most of America, Monty was broke, unemployed, and locked up in a holding cell after a bar fight. Fortunately for him, a stranger showed up to bail him out and fly him to New York. As it turned out, Monty’s Great Uncle Rupert, whom he had never met, had just died and left him a sizeable inheritance.

Uncle Rupert’s will decreed that Monty, his only living blood relative, could choose between $1 million in cash or Uncle Rupert’s entire $300 million fortune. To get the $300 million, Monty would have to first spend $30 million in one month. There were further restrictions that limited the amount that could go to charity. Monty was told that if the money he spent ended up earning him money, he would have to spend that too. At the end of the month he could not have anything left to show for the $30 million. Finally, he was not allowed to tell anyone that he had to spend the $30 million in 30 days, which, of course, led to comedic results.

Now you might be wondering how some guy inheriting a bunch of money is going to help the economy. The key to our salvation is not in the fact that Monty inherited the money but that he had to blow $30 million in a month. In order to spend that much money in 1985, Monty had to stay in a nice hotel, buy a bunch of ridiculous shit, gamble, throw parties, play an exhibition game against the New York Yankees, run for mayor of New York City and hire people to help make all of that shit happen.

Are you starting to see where this is going? Economists keep telling us that in order to turn this shit show around we need more people working so that they earn more discretionary income that can be spent in various ways in the free market. More demand for goods means more supply needed, which means even more jobs; at least until the whole thing collapses in 25 years and begins devouring itself like an Ouroboros before we start over again. Good ol’ boom and bust, right?

If we are destined to keep screwing ourselves every few decades anyway (and with this Congress we seem to be), then what do we have to lose? Under the Brewster’s Millions Plan, your Uncle Sam will randomly select members of the public who earn less than $100,000 per year to be given the same offer as Monty with a slightly reduced payout of an additional $50 Million for those able to blow the $30 million in 30 days (let’s not get greedy now!).

Random people around the country who had never dreamed of having so much money will now be required to blow it in one month. For the first time in their lives, they will be spending their way to millions. Think of how good some of them would feel to finally not worry about money, even if only for a month.

And the joy won’t be restricted to the individual. As the rules stipulate, all the money must be spent, and some of that is bound to help local businesses in distressed communities. All that money changing hands would surely lead to more jobs as well. Monty himself hired several personal assistants, a photographer, two interior decorators (one of whom was also an attorney), a financial advisor and a squad of bodyguards throughout the course of the movie. He was a one-man jobs program!

When Monty wasn’t employing half of New York City or buying things from the other half, he was running for mayor on the “Vote None of the Above” ticket. Much like today, the other candidates were horrible, and Monty thought we might be better off with neither of them. If we can’t use Montgomery Brewster’s ideas to fix the economy, perhaps we can use his idea to fix the people that got us into this mess in the first place. After all, if a hilarious, yet potentially world saving movie like Brewster’s Millions can’t get Congress’ attention, maybe losing their jobs will.

By Bocephus Chigger
bocephus@submergemag.com