Everybody wants something, and Christmas is your chance to really give it to them. All year long, you’ve been putting up with your crazy racist uncle’s shit and your boss’s unending demands. Even your own mother keeps asking when you are going to bring home a wife for her to meet. It’s almost too much to bear.
The new year is about to begin, and you are about to start it off neck deep in shit. You’ve got to find a way out of these messes, and quick, before another year gets ruined. Thankfully, all it’s going to take are a few presents to tame these savage beasts and get you started off on the good foot for 2018.
The only thing you can give to the moms of the world who have everything already and continue to nag you anyway is a human offering. You can go the traditional route and propose to a real-life partner, or have a baby, but not everyone is able to do that. If you find yourself single and flush with a little bit of cash, a mail-order bride or adoption may be great options. But why stop with just one?
Why not surprise mom with a lot of special new ladies and gents in your life? Logic goes that if mom would love you to have one wife or baby, then having two or more of either should make her twice as happy! This Christmas, show up with two wives, two husbands and four kids of undetermined parentage and watch your mom’s head explode. If that doesn’t stop her from bringing up your future again, I don’t know what else will.
For your racist and paranoid uncle, you may just be able to offer him the opportunity of a lifetime. In case you haven’t heard, the Trump administration is dismantling the federal government piece by piece. In support of their mission, Trump is hiring more crazy-eyed bigots to fill the thousands of still vacant positions. If you play your cards right, your uncle could assist in the slow destruction and desecration of the United States of America like he has always dreamed!
As countless Thanksgiving and Christmas soliloquies have shown, your uncle does about as well with conflicts and diplomacy as Trump; he should be a real shoe-in for the kind of agenda being pushed by the president. Rumor has it that the Secretary of State position should be up for grabs soon, so the timing is right. The best part is that this gift should not be difficult to get. Just tweet a photoshopped meme of your uncle kicking Kim Jong Un in the nuts to the president and the job is his.
It’s not always family who need gifts. Sometimes you have to buy presents for your work family, too. You’ve already given them more of your time, energy and soul than probably anyone else in your life, so of course they are going to want to squeeze some presents out of you. They call it the “Office Holiday Party” or a white elephant party, but it’s clearly another blatant cash grab by a person who never wants to pay you overtime.
You can’t be too much of a dick with your gifts and still hope to keep your job, but that doesn’t mean this isn’t a great opportunity to drop some subtle passive-aggressive hints to let muthafuckas know what’s really up. For that person in your office who is constantly playing their weird ass music way too loud, hook them up with headphones and hope they go deaf. For the guy who can’t stop clicking his pen, how about buying him one that says, “I’m a real asshole!” whenever the button is clicked? Finally, for your boss, you can give her your two-week notice and all your unfinished work back once you’ve found a job where you will be treated with respect for a change. If that’s not possible, you could give her a corpse flower that is just about to bloom for her office and watch as the smell of rotting flesh fills the room one day.
‘Tis the season, they say, and indeed it is. ‘Tis the season for those who have been asking for you to give it to them all year to finally get what they deserve. You’d be surprised by how good this kind of giving makes you feel. It can truly change your life, and there is no better time to start than during the holiday season. Now, I think your neighbor who always blocks your driveway told me that he’d love to have someone leave a big steaming pile of shit on his doorstep. Do you think you can handle that? Great! Tell him “Happy Holidays!” from me, too!