If you’ve noticed a burning sensation on your exposed skin recently, you are not alone. The source of dat hot fire is not an STI (hopefully), the latest Kendrick Lamar verse or runaway deep fryer, hell-bent on destroying us all; it’s just the sun! In case you’ve only recently joined the human race, we call this time of year “summer,” and it’s a real doozy out here.
The thing about summer in Sacramento is that it’s hot as hell. People who have lived here longer than I speak of something called a “Delta Breeze,” but it doesn’t feel too breezy to me when it’s 106 degrees in the shade. There is just no way around it; every summer in Sacramento you pay the price for depending on that blinding white circle in the sky for survival. Your punishment could come when you climb into a car that’s been left in a sunny parking lot for a few hours or when a day at the river turns into three days of swimming naked in a tub of aloe gel to soothe your burning flesh.
Fortunately, there are some things you can do to counter the summer heat. The most obvious respite from the sun’s rays is to hop in the pool. There is nothing better than diving into a cool, clean pool after sweating your ass off all day. If you don’t have your own pool, go find one. There are community centers, schools and neighbors out there with pools waiting for you to dive in. All you have to do is ask. If all else fails, grab a shovel and make your own swimming hole, Encino Man-style. With any luck you might also find a frozen caveman in the process.
Speaking of frozen, have you been to a Costco lately? They have a room for milk and a room for vegetables that are like little winter wonderlands. If you are hot, you should hang out in Costco. Don’t worry if you don’t have a membership. Just tell them you are going to the pharmacy and they’ll wave you on through. You can’t buy anything, but you can pretend to be indecisive about whether you want 1 or 2 percent milk until sweat stops dripping from your pores. Pro tip: If you go on the weekends, there will also be free samples, so don’t forget to grab some snacks on your way out.
Don’t worry if Costco’s security squad catches on to your scheme. There are other ways to stay cool that don’t require you to travel far from home or have a pool. All you have to do is crawl under your house. Thanks to the laws of physics, heat rises, leaving your home’s basement, root cellar or crawl space nice and chilly. Sure, it’s dirty down there and there could be a dead body/animal lying around, but at least it’s going to be cool, temperature-wise. Just think of it as a reverse treasure hunt!
If that last option sounded like it was up your alley, then you are going to love this next suggestion. Why not just skip the sun? Stay indoors during the daylight hours and live your life in the cool darkness of night like a vampire. I know vampires may seem passé at this point, but as it grows hotter and hotter each year, living at night and sleeping through the day is starting to grow more appealing. And since you would not be an actual vampire, the whole “thirst for blood” thing would be completely optional.
All these ideas are great but none of them are guaranteed to work. There is really only one product that is guaranteed* to help you beat the summer heat. It’s called the nICE® Cap S and I told you about it almost four years ago in this very column. Why haven’t you been listening to me? That’s extremely rude. All I asked you to do was give me your money without thinking too hard about it. You do it all the time, so just buy the goddamn nICE® Cap S already. It’s totally worth it and it suppresses yawning*. Your brain will thank you later.
I don’t know about you, but having these tips all in one place makes me feel cooler already. I plan on instituting a mix of these options myself this summer. It’s the only way I’ll make it to fall. So, if you see a guy lingering in the milk or veggie rooms at Costco for a little too long, feel free to say hello.
*Chigger Family Inc. has not tested the yawn suppression capabilities of nICE® Cap S and makes no guarantees as to its abilities to lower the personal temperature of purchasers.