It’s after Labor Day, so school’s officially a thing again. Welcome back.
Sure, you may have started a week or two ago, but we all know no one does shit during their first two weeks of class, except maybe medical students. My guess is that if you’re reading this column, your major is probably bong-making or something. Hey, don’t sweat it. It’s cool. I majored in English Literature. At least bong-making could get you a job.
No matter what we major in, or where we go to school, or what grade we’re in, though, we can all agree on one thing. School sucks.
It really sucks.
This isn’t to say that teachers are bad. They’re not. Teachers are out there on the frontlines every day, fighting the good fight against politicians trying to tell them how to do their jobs, parents blaming them for their children getting bad grades and dumbasses who think they get paid way too much. Teachers (especially the awesome ones) are the only thing that makes school bearable.
School sucks because, well, it’s school. Even the word school drabs off the tongue in the most meh manner possible. Part of the problem, I think, is that the school year always starts at the end of summer and signals the hard, gray months ahead. It’s such a killjoy, you know? Mostly, though, the problem is you’re forced to socialize with jerks all day, and especially when you’re a child, there’s no escape from your peers.
Sure, this prepares you for your adult life. When we grow up, we all have to do things we don’t agree with everyday in order to do our jobs—except Kim Davis, I guess, who has made the erroneous assumption that her bigoted, antiquated views on love and marriage somehow have more validity than a ruling from the highest court in the land, but I’m digressing here. Let’s talk about Baltimore.
It’s not just where The Wire happened. Apparently, all kinds of crazy stuff goes down there. On Wednesday, Sept. 10, a 13-year-old boy was arrested on charges of second-degree assault for placing an unsolicited smooch on the personage of a 14-year-old female classmate. The illicit kiss happened during school hours at Pikesville Middle School in Baltimore County. Allegedly, the boy kissed the girl on a dare from other classmates.
This may sound like a pretty severe punishment for a childish crime. No injuries occurred from the incident, according to police, and kids do dumb shit all the time because they’re stupid. I think it’s character-building, though. At the very least, the boy will certainly take a valuable lesson from this: No means no.
Still, part of me feels kind of sorry for this 13-year-old dipshit. I vaguely remember what it was like being that age—when hair was sprouting in strange, dark places, and women, who I’d never really paid much mind to in years prior, suddenly became powerful beings to be feared and admired.
I also recall what how much I yearned for the acceptance of my peers, which never came easily for me (if at all). This poor, newly pubescent doofus was no doubt driven to the point of madness by his so-called friends, goaded and prodded until his barely formed mind didn’t know right from left. His hormones collided with his confusion and his eagerness to be cool, causing his palms to sweat and perhaps even caused spontaneous pimples to form on his oily face. So he kissed little miss princess from social studies, even though he probably knew he shouldn’t, and then he ends up in trouble with the law and facing suspension. Yeah, he probably deserves it, but my heart goes out to the pipsqueak.
I can remember countless instances from my own life, seated alone in the cafeteria, minding my own business, eating a french bread pizza lunch, when the cool kids would come over to taunt me. They’d be all, “You like Ruby, don’t you?” And I’d be stuck in a conundrum where there was no right answer. Like, if I said yes, they’d threaten to embarrass me in front of everyone, and if I’d said no, they’d taunt me because “I didn’t like girls,” or whatever. It was awful. Like I said, school fucking sucks, bro.
Then again, I’ve never kissed anyone who didn’t want me to, so at least I can hang my hat on that. Ruby was really cute, though, back when we were both 13. I hope wherever she is, she’s doing well. Cheers to you. It wasn’t your fault school was such a nightmare.