As I write this, my dude Barack Obama has been holdin’ it down as president for two weeks. It’s been a fairly smooth ride so far, but I know better. I’ve seen good things get soured too many times to view the world through rose-colored glasses. Everyone is excited to help out, to make change, but do we really need everyone to do more?

Being proactive is great and it’s sorely needed, but some of you might want to try a different approach. If you really want to help, just stop doing ignorant, greedy, selfish, evil shit. Money is nice, but it’s more valuable to society as a whole if you just stop being such a dick. There is a good chance that if you stop doing so much, we will all have so much more. If you think I’m talking about you (and you know who you are), you are probably right. So, to all you slimy fucks out there, I present you with a different mantra: “No we can’t!”

“No we can’t beat random people anymore.”
So, you want to help, do ya? Let’s start simple: Stop beating people. If you like to fight, make a career of it and start boxing or hit up the UFC. Now you dumb motherfuckers can beat each other to death without legal consequence while getting paid to do it! You don’t like your wife? Get a divorce instead of beating and/or raping her. Less violence equals fewer arrests, fewer court cases and healthier living. See how easy it is?

“No we can’t be greedy fucks!”
Stop stealing. I’m not talking about those who steal to survive; we are all entitled to that much. I’m referring to those greedy bastards who not only take the last cookie, but break the jar when they’re done. If you are complaining about not getting a bonus this year, I am talking to you. The same goes for you multi-millionaires who haven’t paid taxes in 10 years. If anyone from the Internal Revenue Service is reading this, please audit every member of Congress. If the last two weeks are an accurate indicator, I think you may have a potential goldmine on your hands.

“No we can’t use your money for hos!”
If your company was the recipient of a bailout and you decided to drop $40 million on hookers and blow (i.e. the “corporate retreat”), you are fucking things up. In fact, don’t do anything”¦we will all be much safer (and richer) that way. Don’t buy those gold shower curtains with company money. Don’t set up Ponzi schemes to live off the blood and sweat of others; and when you’re caught, don’t mail your most valuable possessions to relatives to avoid their seizure.

“No we can’t be friends with or work for the president!”
If any of the above pertains to you, do us all a favor and do not (DO NOT!!!!) advertise your support for Obama. Trust me—he doesn’t need your help. You are like a piece of dog shit that cannot be scraped off the sole of his shoe. You force him to drag that smell with him wherever he goes. Some of you may not be able to avoid him; so if the president approaches you, do your part and explain exactly how fucked up you are. Don’t skimp on the details. If he still doesn’t get it, tell him to forget he ever saw you and move to another country. Now.

“No we can’t!”
We must not forget that plenty of people would like to see us fail (suck it, Rush Limbaugh!). They will grasp at the most inane details in order to manufacture controversy and invite speculation. So, I say to those of you out there doing way too much dirt, don’t fuck this up for the rest of us. This planet is on life support and you’re fucking with the circuit breakers. Put your hands in your pockets, look toward the ground and repeat after me, “No we can’t!”

Bocephus Chigger