I’m not gonna lie”¦ after the last two fiascos, I was worried. I had lost faith in others, and who could blame me? After eight years of stupidity, war, greed, corruption, God-pimping and fearmongering, there didn’t seem to be much hope. The world had officially gone to hell in a hand basket (and I ain’t talkin a Longaberger!).
I can’t just blame President Bush or the Republican Party; the problem went much deeper. Something had driven roughly half the country bat-shit crazy. I wanted to believe they had been glamoured by Count Cheney, but I knew there was more to it than that. Despite not knowing the source of this lunacy, its effect was clear: America had lost its way.
The brain-damaged half of the country was happy with their brain-dead president and his team of know-nots. They were ready to swallow whatever shit was shoveled their way. They turned off their brains and changed their outgoing message to “FOUR MORE YEARS!!!” “SUPPORT THE TROOPS!!!” and the tragically comical, “U.S.A!!!” Differences were answered with cries of “TERRORIST!” A horror flick had become reality and the media was immediately smitten.
Those in the news business met up to decide which piece of this mindless bitch they could claim as their own. Fox News was appointed as the White House Press Secretary and Geraldo was shipped off to fight Al Qaeda. CNN put a bowtie on a small retarded child, named him Tucker, and unleashed him on the country until he was stopped by Jon Stewart. MSNBC’s Chris Mathews literally figured out how to talk out of his ass and proceeded to subject the world to his bungie-flower every evening. “Newsertainment” was born, but it still needed guests. Fortunately, some of the worst politicians in history just so happened to be in office at the time and they all wanted their turn on the m-i-c.
The Republicans drilled into the earth and summoned Karl Rove from Hell. “Turd Blossom” recruited Donald Rumsfeld, John Ashcroft and Alberto Gonzales to say things so confusing that it would take the public, the courts and the world over eight years to figure out. The Democrats, trapped in a recurring wet dream involving the Clinton years, did little more than shake their finger at the GOP. (“Bad dog! No earmark!”) With all of the scolding going on, the left had no time to choose a candidate with even a semblance of personality; of course, they were under the influence of a Sith Lord (I’m on to you Lieberman!). After eight years, we were broke, unemployed and homeless, and the government was busy picking fights around the world.
Many figured the end was near, until someone held up a sign calling for change. The battle between old and new began, and it was epic. On one side, probably the closest thing to the American dream, Barack Obama; and on the other, the self proclaimed “maverick” John McCain. Of course, they brought along friends; Obama had Joe “The” Biden and McCain had Sarah “The Warrior Princess” Palin. I’m not sure I will ever figure out why McCain chose the mom from Bobby’s World as his V.P. Perhaps he was hoping to parlay the campaign into some kind of variety show. If that was his plan, he forgot one simple fact: this country knows shitty TV, and it smelled that turd-burger from a mile away. On Nov. 4, 2008, with clothespins in their noses, America elected Barack Obama the 44th President of the United States by both a majority of the Electoral College and the national popular vote (imagine that!). I hate to admit it, but I cried when I heard the results. For the first time, in what feels like my entire adult life, I was truly proud to be an American”¦ then I checked California’s propositions.
What the fuck is wrong with this state? California overwhelmingly votes for change with Obama and then proceeds to ban gay marriage and shoot down two attempts at reducing our dependence on foreign oil? California, the first state to legalize marijuana for medicinal use, decides against easing prison over-population by letting non-violent drug offenders opt for treatment programs? Apparently, we have better things to waste our money on, like riding a bullet train into economic derailment. Congratulations assholes, thanks for stomping on our prosperity!
By Bocephus Chigger