Freedom! Independence! It all came true on that fourth day of July, 1776, so long as you were a white male and/or wealthy. It was sort of a crapshoot in those days, I guess. Anyway, it was on that July 4 that our forefathers declared America’s independence from that pesky, old, dreadful King of England. I went to London and ordered a bacon cheeseburger, only to get Canadian “bacon.” That episode left me scarred for life, so, I can see why Thomas Jefferson wasn’t so hot on King George and started a revolution.
What grew out of that conflict is a story about cheeseburgers and bacon (the real kind made from pork bellies, not some god damn little piece of ham!). Of course, it’s also a story about tea parties, westward expansion and slavery. It’s even about being No. 1 and chanting, “USA!” This is our story, and the Fourth of July is our day to celebrate and remember what this country has done over the past 238 years. It’s a time to reflect upon exactly what it is that defines us as Americans.
With at least two full-time cooking channels and more food-focused TV shows than I care to remember, it’s clear that we like to eat. As the inventor of the hamburger, we obviously have burgers on the brain and in our guts. What’s a burger without a bucket of fries? Let’s add a half-gallon of soda to it and call it a meal! Maybe eating 60 hot dogs in 10 minutes is more your style; or perhaps you prefer sandwiches larger than your feet? We enjoy all of these things, unabashedly. America is hooked on fat.
When we aren’t filling ourselves with food, we are shopping; we do live in a capitalist society, after all. Fortunately for capitalism, Americans like to buy a lot of crap. It might be some shitty jewelry or a set of swords off QVC that we just have to have. We also love huge trucks that we have no use for and boats and RVs we can’t afford. There are plenty of us with house payments and bills we can’t pay, but that doesn’t seem to slow us down too much. In America, the perception of success is more important than the reality of it.
Not everything we do is for show, though. Sometimes when Americans shop we buy a gun(s). There are some who would argue that America and guns are inseparable. Now, I’m not opposed to the idea of having them, but we seem to be obsessed with the damn things. We shoot at cans, bottles, paper targets, clay pigeons, animals, fruit, cars, houses, buildings, the sky, people (both terrorists and the regular kind) and, sometimes, lots of people. Give an American a gun and a thing, and we will kill that thing or die trying.
I’m not sure if it’s an equal chance of death on either side, but then again, we like to use the word “equal” pretty loosely in America. Equality originally allowed for slavery, racism, sexism, classism and other miscellaneous discriminations to exist. Thankfully slavery has been abolished here, but we continue to struggle with the other inequalities. The people that believe otherwise are part of the problem. In America, things are only equal if you are getting what you want.
Our feigned equality only applies to other Americans. We have no qualms telling other countries that we are better than them. We say that our military is stronger, our businesses are richer, our education system is better and both our old and new healthcare systems are the best! The list of ways in which we are great just doesn’t stop! That might be because we think we are good at math, but we aren’t. We also kind of suck at science now, too. Fortunately, studies show that Americans are the best at thinking we are better than everyone else, so there’s that. USA! USA! USA!
Eventually, and sometimes in a spectacular fashion, we find out we aren’t the best at something. It can really hurt when it happens, but hopefully, we can laugh about it afterward. We might end up sucking at a lot of things, or being fat, materialistic, gun-crazed people, but at least Americans can laugh at themselves. Americans are funny like that. Hopefully you get a chance to laugh with/at your friends and family while you celebrate your country’s birthday this July 4. It’s what Thomas Jefferson would have wanted, after all.
-Bocephus Chigger
bocephus@submergemag.com
Raley Field will host a first-of-its-kind event called “Fourth on the Field” with a gathering of local food trucks, live music and a fireworks extravaganza. The event goes down from 6 to 10 p.m. on Thursday, July 4, 2013. The best part? You’re actually on the Raley Field outfield with all your favorite local food trucks lined up along the warning track! And of course, there are alcoholic and nonalcoholic beverages available to keep your thirst quenched. Tickets are just $8 for adults and $5 for children (first 1,000 kids receive a free ticket with the purchase of an adult ticket). Learn more at Raleyfield.com, or get tickets at Ticketmaster.com.
As we wrap up the month of everything ‘Merica, I continue my in-depth look at the creation of the Bill of Rights. Last time I covered the drunken debauchery that went into our first five amendments to the Constitution. I discussed how our forefathers were a “spirited” bunch who drank as hard as they worked. Somehow, despite their self-pickling, they managed to create five pretty damn important rights. After completing such a monumental task, it was no surprise that the boys needed a little break.
A few months vacationing on the shores of New Jersey (hey, this was the late 1700s) brought much needed relief for our motley crew; unfortunately, it also brought civil unrest. Men, women and children of all colors were being hung in the streets without trial. No witnesses testified and no lawyers were present. Team America, err… the forefathers cut their vacations short and rushed back to Pennsylvania before more innocent lives were lost. With the Sixth Amendment, they announced these hangings were over; they were back to work”¦ and back on the bottle (giving us the term, hangover).
The gang was feeling pretty good about themselves. Disaster had been avoided and all would have trials; however, one thing that hadn’t been decided was how these trials would work. The discussion was heated and soon turned to puffery. Men began challenging each other to a test of manhood; of course, these being the forefathers, the test was a drink-off. Once snookered, the details of the arguments were lost. All that remained were nebulous concepts and even those took 12 men to patch together. It was decided that a trial by jury would alleviate the pressure from any individual decision-maker who decided to drink during the trial. Thus the Seventh Amendment was written with the idea that even two drunken heads were better than one.
The drink-off left some so inebriated that they slept on the tavern tables. Fountain pens appeared and soon many had large penises drawn on their faces. The chiefings left them humiliated and they swore it would never happen again. The Eighth Amendment put a stop to such “cruel and unusual” punishment in addition to prohibiting excessive fines. The latter prohibition was the work of a few of the victims who also awoke with empty wallets.
By the Ninth Amendment, it was evident that the group was quickly becoming a bunch of degenerates. Calls for further protections came from the “Chieftains,” as they were now known. The Chieftains worried that the others would use their high tolerance for alcohol to further expand the powers of the government while others lay incapacitated nearby. The Chieftains wanted a ban on humiliating the drunk and incapacitated, but the others still wanted their fun. A compromise was reached and the Ninth Amendment was enacted to protect rights not specifically found in the Bill of Rights.
Looking back on all they had accomplished, the forefathers couldn’t help but want to share this with others. What had started out as laying the groundwork for freedom had become the world’s greatest gentlemen’s club. They believed the federal government shouldn’t be able to hog all the fun and it was decided that the states could throw their own mini-constitution drafting parties. Not being fools, the forefathers managed to build in some protection for their hard work. The states could create rights, but the federal law reigned supreme where it applied. The party fever set off by the 10th Amendment helped create this great country that we know today.
At the time, the Bill of Rights set America apart from every other country in the world. The forefathers had managed to outline the idea of freedom in a new and exciting way. Through those amendments, they told the story of a young country, hooked on the bottle, but happy that they had that choice. And as we close out the month of July, remember loyal readers, it is choice that sets us apart and makes us free.
Bocephus Chigger
bocephus@submergemag.com
I realize you are reading this a week or so after the Fourth of July, but I was truly inspired by this year’s festivities. The day was a celebration of all things American: guns, beer, off-roading, barbecue and hair metal all made an appearance. As I blasted baby watermelons from 30 yards with my rifle, I couldn’t help but wonder what it was like when these rights were created.
These “rights” I’m referring to are the first 10 amendments to the U.S. Constitution and are also known as the Bill of Rights. While they were technically enacted after July 4, 1776, the Bill of Rights contains the ideas that most people equate with freedom. Perhaps it was the endless stream of brews I had imbibed that day, but as I pondered those 10 amendments, a pattern began to emerge. It eventually became clear to me that this document was the work of the town drunks! For those of you who aren’t so easily convinced, consider the following evidence:
The First Amendment provides for a free press, as well as the freedoms of religion, speech, to assemble and petition. Think about it: What kind of people like to get together, say offensive things, worship various idols and complain to the highest authorities in an attempt to get free shit? You’re damn skippy it’s the lushes of the world! Everyone has that loud-mouthed friend who says inappropriate things after having a few too many (or like in my case, you are that friend). He or she might step on some toes, but at the end of the day they provide a much needed service: they always make you laugh. The First Amendment was written for them.
The Second Amendment gave us the right to bear arms. Now, the forefathers liked to party and this being just eight years after the Revolutionary War, they were probably still a gun lovin’ lot. I mean, shit, people still dueled with pistols back then, and everyone knows you would have to be drunk to do some shit like that. George Washington probably sipped absinthe and blew people away all the time.
On the surface, the Third Amendment doesn’t seem to jive with my theory, but a deeper look proves otherwise. The Third provides protection from the quartering of troops by the government. Remember, it was 1791, the war was over and the troops were enjoying some much earned shore leave. The vets hit the bottle pretty hard and began cashing in on their heroics. Soon, they were demanding free room and board. While sympathetic to their cause, the authors of the Bill also knew what it was like to have a drunken friend crashing on your couch all the time. Not cool, Hamilton!
Yes, Alexander Hamilton, whom we also have to thank for our Fourth Amendment, was quite the problem in those days. “Search and Seizures” as he liked to call them, were how he continued to drink after he had gone broke. Claiming government authority, he would enter the homes of the wealthy to confiscate their booze and valuables. In the end, he owed so much money that the government allowed him to print his own money. To this day, those $10 “Hamiltons” are being used as U.S. currency.
Ah, da fif”¦ In addition to protecting you against self-incrimination, the Fifth Amendment also gives you the right to a trial, the legal defense of double jeopardy and keeps your property from being taken by the government without adequate compensation (kinda). One of the greatest beefs with the Brits was the issue of justice. Punishment at the whim of the King was not exactly the Founding Fathers’ idea of justice, but what was the best way? Feeling the toll of the day’s libations, they decided more time was needed to think. It was at that moment that a young bar-back by the name of Tommy Jefferson jumped up and shouted, “‘Tis it!” and changed the world forever. He realized that the brains of the alkies around him weren’t running at peak performance. They needed time to prepare and the opportunity to present their case (before Hancock broke out the bourbon). The same courtesy should be given to anyone else, be they wasted or not. Oh, and the next morning, the protection from eminent domain was added upon word that Hamilton had commandeered a nearby home in the name of “the Government.” HA-MIL-TON!!!!
Still not convinced, patriots? Check out A Swill of Rights: Part II, when we will explore more evidence of the drunken debauchery that went into the creation of the Bill of Rights!
Bocephus Chigger
bocephus@submergemag.com
