Moving sucks. There is really no sugar coating it. Sure, things will be all hunky-dore when you get to your ultimate destination, but the process of moving itself is terrible. Long-time readers may remember my tirade against the act of moving a few years back. If you missed that one, I’ll summarize by saying that moving is almost the worst thing in the world.

The only thing worse than moving is helping someone else move. Your “friend” expects your pity for all the boxes they had to pack even though you are there for the heavy lifting, and there is always heavy lifting. Other than perhaps the dishes, packing boxes isn’t hard at all if you aren’t a pack rat. Tape the box. Fill the box. Tape the box. Label the box. Repeat. Your muscles shouldn’t ache after doing that, at least not like mine will after I carry those boxes down a flight of stairs if I help you move.

What’s the best that will come out of it? Free food, maybe a little cash. You might get some beer or weed for your trouble, which might help fix the muscles that weren’t aching before you moved 20 heavy boxes of books and dishes, a couch, a desk, a bed and a dresser. Your compensation may also be dependent on the state of chaos at your friend’s new home once the move is complete. It’s hard to get paid when your friend can’t remember where he packed his stash, plates, wallet or bottle opener.

That is why you should never help someone move. I probably shouldn’t be saying this since I am still in the process of moving myself and may require help, but it needs to be said. Moving is difficult. It’s exhausting and frustrating and puts people in a shitty mood. If the end result isn’t that you get to live in a new house, then why the hell would you want to put yourself in the middle of that?

This is part of the reason I will never own a truck. Besides the fact that I have absolutely no need for a truck, owning one only gets you invited to helping people move. Renting a truck is the biggest expense of moving and your friends may start looking your way when they find out how much the truck rental fee will run them. Besides, you are sort of asking for it with all that unused, unupholstered, cheap rectangular space strapped to the back of your car, so consider yourself warned current and potential truck owners.

Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you can avoid helping a friend move by owning a small car. If you got two working arms, you can help. And if you actually agree to help, you will probably regret it. Your friend will undoubtedly undersell the magnitude of the move by a factor of at least 10. Chances are, they won’t even be done packing when you get there to help. They will have no idea where they want things to go at the other end, or if they will even fit; so, you will get to move the heaviest pieces of furniture several times until things are just right for your (now former) friend.

That is why you need to be prepared. If your friend mentions the chance that they may be moving, take note and limit your availability with that friend until after the move is over or called off. Avoid their calls; park your car down the block from your house. They can’t ask you to help them move if they can’t find you. Tell them you are sick. Tell them you have to work. Tell them you are already helping your other friend move. Tell them your grandma died and you are too broken up to help. Hurt yourself, preferably your arm or leg. Whatever it is you decide to do, have a plan in place because you never know when you might get the call.

I know this may sound childish, but I assure you it will be no more childish than everyone’s behavior on the day of their big move if you agree to help. If it’s not tempers that flare, it will be your back that does once it begins to spasm from repeated abuse. You are going to be sore for two days afterward and all you will have to show for it is a dirty ass t-shirt with a pizza stain, if you are lucky. Life sucks for the one moving, but it fucking blows for the sucker that agreed to help them out for the paltry sum of a couple of slices and some beer. Don’t be that sucker.

-Bocephus Chigger
bocephus@submergemag.com