BY CHARLIE LOVESHAFT
FIRST YOU COULD START AT THE PLANNED PARENTHOOD AT 201 29th St and pick yourself up some free rubbers. Free is always good. Especially when it saves your junk and prevents any new lil’ groms’ from being brought into this already overpopulated world. PS Don’t forget that lube.
So once your all stocked up on the goods, walk to the Pine Cove Bar at 502 29th St and get yourself some cheap ass Pabst Blue Ribbon. There is nothing like drinking cheap beer straight out of the pitcher, fuck glasses, who needs glasses? At Pine Cove drinking straight from the pitcher is normal so don’t be a NOOB and get caught drinking out of a glass! EXTRA CRED occurs when you down a whole pitcher in a few gulps.
After you’re all loosened up and have a significant more amount of courage you could do one of two things, or wait, fuck it you should do both. First, go all the way down the stairs to the Pine Cove Barber Shop and get all sexified, because let’s face it, you will never even get a chance to use all those free rubbers and lube if you look like a damn bum. It is technically 2828 E St, but it’s the same building so you can be hammered off those PBR’s, but watch out for the stairs, they’ll get ya!
After you are done getting all cleaned up and ready for the beezies, walk about three steps to your right and enter the Pine Cove Bottle Shop to pick yourself up some “road sodas” because after that trim you are sure to have lost at least some, if not all of your buzz. This step is of utmost importance; “road sodas” are key to the survival of any downtown drunk. Sometimes walking a number of downtown blocks will kill a buzz, so why not drink while you walk? I know, I’m a fucking genius; you can thank me later by picking one up for me. Newcastle please and thank you.
The next stop you need that skateboard I brought up earlier because you are heading to the 28th and B Skate Park just over the train tracks. Beware; there are always those damn black and white cars that can really ruin your day/week/year waiting for people like you skating with a bottle of beer in your hand. Remember, skateboarding is not illegal, but skateboarding with an open beer in hand most definitely is. Also, please don’t be an idiot and bring the bottle into the skate park, just chug that shit before you get there and dispose of it properly like a genuine citizen would. Now you may proceed to bust some sick shit like it was your day job.
If you are extremely lucky and everything goes according to plan, you will impress the hot skater chicks that are in attendance and you can walk them down to the riverbank and use those products that you so thoughtfully acquired earlier in the evening. Then you can either sleep under the stars and risk getting eaten alive by bugs or just walk to my house and bring me that Newcastle, I live right around the corner, thanks homie!