2017 has only just begun and it’s already looking to be one helluva year. January is usually the time of year when a bunch of dumb jerks try to tell you what to expect for the coming year. Of course, these predictions are often grossly incorrect. And why wouldn’t they be? These prognostications are just guesses and depending on them would be a fool’s errand.

What we need are concrete details. We need to know about events that will definitely happen, not just ones that some poor schlub with a blog thinks are going to happen. That is where I come in; rather, that is where me and my time machine come in. I know the truth because I have seen it with my own eyes. Each year, I fire that bad boy up and bend space-time to my will, risking paradox after paradox, just so you, my loyal readers, may prepare yourselves for the inevitable.

With the inauguration coming on Jan. 20, I’m sure the first thing on most Americans’ minds is, “What the hell is going to happen once we have a President Trump?” Trump will get off to a rocky start at the beginning of 2017 by nearly starting two wars and threatening CNN with nuclear annihilation; and that’s just the first 100 days of his presidency. Six months in and the Donald has allied us with North Korea and Russia in exchange for unlimited golden shower parties when visiting their countries.

The new super friends declare war on France and the United Kingdom, and Trump names the ensuing skirmish, “Operation: Grab Em By the Pussy!” The world’s cheese, wine and spotted dick prices go through the roof in response. To cap off the year, on New Year’s Eve 2017, Trump has his wife Melania executed on live television for speaking her mind after which he legalizes incest and polygamy so that he may finally marry his daughter, Ivanka.

As if the bread and circuses of the Trump Whitehouse weren’t enough for 2017, Hollywood has plenty in store for the masses in the coming year. Thanks to the success of La La Land, all the big studios will be releasing musicals. That means you better start preparing yourself for a hastily thrown together Star Wars: Chewbacca Sings the Blues. It will be the greatest Star Wars flop since the 1978 holiday variety show television special, though the number and quality of the memes it generates will be off the charts.

Another popular thing in 2017 will be the Tweeka virus. Previously not seen in humans, the Tweeka virus is thought to be passed into our bloodstream via tick bites. The first signs of the outbreak occur in rural areas where meth manufacturing is common. It is believed that the virus was mutated after local ticks ingested methamphetamines found in the blood of local tweekers. Signs of infection include muscle twitches, talking to oneself, crazy eyes, toothlessness and ugly face. The virus is spread between humans through fluid exchange and cannot be stopped by condoms or interventions, so beware!

Not everything is bad news in 2017. I mean most of it is, but there is something cool that happens in the world of science and technology this year. The most exciting news is that Joe Biden cures cancer! After years of being written off as a lecherous goofball, Uncle Joe manages to shock the world by announcing a mere six months after vacating the Vice Presidency that he has single handedly found the cure for every form of cancer.

Biden says he just needed time and space to focus and he knew he could figure it out. Surprisingly, it was his lack of scientific training that lead him to the solution. The cure came to him after mixing several household cleaners together in his kitchen. He tricked friends with cancer into drinking his concoction until he stumbled onto the cure, which fortunately only took a few months to formulate. In the end, the cure should have been obvious; 409 cleans everything!

I could go on and on about what happens this year, but I don’t want to ruin all the fun. If I give away every surprise, I would only stifle your sense of amazement at witnessing these events firsthand and that just wouldn’t be right. You won’t be better off if I tell you that all real news is banned in 2017 and only fake news remains. You might be angry when it actually happens, but not if I warn you ahead of time. Due to the laws of physics, I can’t explain why, but let’s just say that outrage will prove to be important in the future. I should know … I’ve already been there. Stay mad, America, and enjoy the rest of your 2017!