an open letter to spiders

Dear Spiders:

My name is Bocephus Chigger, but you and your various other eight-legged friends may know me as the guy in the white and green house by the park. I am writing regarding your continued and frequent trespasses on my property. There is no use in denying it. I know you have visited me before, and I am asking you to stop.

I have no special trick to detect you. Your continued encroachment into my home and yard is obvious and unmistakable. Your webs are everywhere! You may be great at spinning them, but you do an awful job of taking them down when you are done. You’ve built web-nests in my trees, and laid waste to my bushes and fences. Every time I drop my guard, it turns into Halloween over here. I’m tired of it!

Do you know how many times I’ve had to clear your webs out of my house and yard? If there were just a few webs around, I probably wouldn’t be so upset, but that’s simply not the case. These things are everywhere! My girlfriend and I have spent countless hours brushing and sweeping away your webs only to find them back within a few days. We have tried to be patient with you, but you just keep pushing the envelope with your web-slinging activities.

Do you even know what it’s like to get caught in one of those webs? Of course, you don’t! You spiders have those tiny legs that let you run along your webs like it’s no big deal, while the rest of us poor saps blindly stumble into them time and time again. When we try to get your sticky webs off ourselves, we end up looking like lunatics with all the twitching and scratching, like we’ve gone off our meds. Worse yet, even if you manage to de-web yourself, it still feels like it’s there tickling away at your skin. It’s a nasty trick you’re playing, you goddamn dirty spiders, and it’s gotta stop!

When you aren’t busy trashing my yard and face, you spiders seem to be busy scaring the shit out of my girlfriend. To put it mildly, she is not a fan of spiders. Of course, you can’t lower yourself from the ceiling onto someone’s face and expect them to be cool with it. You have all those eyes, so you can see where you are going. She knows you did it on purpose and it’s not OK. She hopes that a flock of birds come and eat all of you and your little spider families.

You don’t just scare her, either. You need to quit just popping up in places. There is far too much sneaking around going on in the spider community. You guys seem to wait for the most opportune moments to reveal yourselves to us. You aren’t supposed to sneak up on people while they are going to the bathroom. You shouldn’t be hiding inside of people’s cars either. You are going to get somebody killed!

There are other reasons that I want you spiders gone. If I had to put it in a word, I’d say you all are disgusting. Your legs are either long and thin, or thick and hairy, and both are repulsive. You have about a bajillion beady eyes. You shoot sticky webs out of your asses. You have bodies full of poison and you ain’t afraid to use it. All of that is troubling, to say the least; but more importantly, it is disgusting.

The time for niceties has ended. I’ve softly suggested you spiders move along, but you have ignored my pleas. We cleaned the yard this weekend and these webs were everywhere again. Enough is enough! I’m done playing now. I don’t want to see you or any of your friends or family in my yard or inside my house again. Please pack your dead flies and webs get the hell out of here before things get ugly. You should know that we purchased some bug spray and we will use it if you choose not to leave. You have two weeks from the receipt of this letter to comply.

Bocephus Chigger