If you have been on the internet lately, then you know that the only way we, as a public, can absorb information is in list form. This must be the case, since every news and entertainment site I go to is chock-full of lists. These lists don’t have to mean anything or even be accurate; they just need to create space to provide a landing point for paid advertisements. Readers will post in the comment section to correct the mistakes in the article, and their arguments will lead to more page hits, so fact-checking can actually hurt things. The most important thing is that the writer focuses on pumping out those lists.
I know all that work can be exhausting, but I am here to help. As a fellow “journalist,” I can understand that we all could use a hand from time to time. Writer’s block is a real thing! Coming up with fresh product week after week is hard, and since you are pretty much making it all up anyway, I thought I could carry some of that weight for you with a few lists of my own. Writers for major news and entertainment sites, in honor of your rampant and unrepentant making of listicles, take a break on me and use one of these:

5 Reasons Why You Made Your Mom Cry
1) You sent her a nice card for no reason.
2) You dropped out of school.
3) You told her you were getting married.
4) You brought her flowers for no reason.
5) You got a job at BuzzFeed writing lists.

7 Cat Names for Your Furry Friend
1) Frank
2) Clarence
3) Debbie
4) Broomhilda
5) Barry
6) Gertie
7) Chaz

2 Ways to Go Down a One Way Street
1) The right way
2) The wrong way

Top 10 Letters in the Alphabet
1) R … Ask a Pirate!
2) S … It’s the sound that snakes make!
3) E … Everyone loves E!
4) J … Words with a J in them just sound funnier!
5) P … P-p-puh-lease! Of course P is on the list!
6) T … There are 5 Ts in the title of this list alone. Ts are everywhere!
7) X … It marks the spot and it’s a stand-in for bad things that are cool, like booze.
8) Z … People in England pronounce it Zed!
9) D … Look at that curvature! It’s like a work of art. Nice!

3 Things You Should Bring When You Leave the House
1) Your wallet
2) Your phone
3) Your keys

5 Things Your Dog Told Me
1) Woof!
2) Arrff! Arrff!
3) Bark!
4) Grrrrrr!
5) Help! My owner is trying to kill me!

Top 7 Continents on Earth
1) Asia
2) Africa
3) North America
4) South America
5) Antarctica
6) Europe
7) Australia/Oceania

Top 6 Greetings
1) Hello!
2) Howdy!
3) ¡Hola!
4) What’s Crack-a-lackin?
5) How’s it hanging?
6) Hey lady!

5 Common Misspellings of the Word, Rutabaga
1) Rutabega
2) Rootabegga
3) Routerbegger
4) Rubytega
5) Roto-Rooter

3 Ways to Tell Her You Love Her
1) Say, “I love you!” to her.
2) Give her a card that says, “I love you!” in it.
3) Hire a skywriter to write, “I love you!” in the sky over your house.

5 Things That Prove Your Significant Other is Cheating
1) They are unemployed and live with you, but they are never home and always seem to have money.
2) You find naked selfies on their phone, but they were never sent to you.
3) They tell you they are taking piano lessons, but they never get any better.
4) They quickly hang up the phone whenever you come in the room.
5) You catch them having sex with someone else.

10 Foods That No One Likes
1) Coconut
2) Cilantro
3) Squid
4) Tomatoes
5) Hawaiian Pizza
6) Liver
7) Licorice
8) Onions
9) Oysters
10) Passion Fruit

10 Foods That Everyone Secretly Likes
1) Coconut
2) Cilantro
3) Squid
4) Tomatoes
5) Hawaiian Pizza
6) Liver
7) Licorice
8) Onions
9) Oysters
10) Passion Fruit