Something awful must have set little man off that day at Apple Hill. It was truly a sight to behold”¦the 8-year-old boy/Tasmanian Devil was tall for his age and very lean. His lankiness undoubtedly helped as he seemingly fought for his life. The cause of this epic battle was unclear; perhaps he had been denied candy or maybe he had an allergic reaction of Hulk-like proportions to apples. Whatever it was, something lit a fire under his ass and his poor mother went down”¦twice. Afraid to fight back and clearly stunned, she was completely helpless. She pleaded with Taz to come to the car, but he wasn’t having it. Dude came ready for war that day and perhaps you should be too. So, as part of my quest to enrich your lives, I now bring you Bocephus’ Anatomy of a Hissy-Fit.

Like most fights, the hissy begins with the arms. If you are the one throwing a fit, chances are the other person is probably bigger. Their reach may be greater, but you have the element of surprise; so, use it to your advantage. Once the offending party is in range, ball up them fists and start clubbing. If you’re feeling limber, maybe you will want to go with the windmill. Whichever you choose, there is no need to aim; you aren’t trying to kill them, you just want that damn ice cream. Once you start swinging, the person on the receiving end of the fit will be trying to contain you. Do your best to keep those arms free. Often, the larger person will try to grab the wrists of the fit thrower. When this happens, you will need to change strategies.

Use your body weight to your advantage. Anything is heavy if you have to hold it up for long enough. Leverage is key; you need to get low to the ground and try to wedge your foot under theirs. Once in this position, hang your body from your trapped arm. Don’t worry about it getting yanked out of its socket; any injuries you sustain will only help your cause. If you are simply too light to free yourself this way, then stomp you must.

The muscles in your legs are amongst the strongest in the body and a well-placed kick to the shin or a stomp on the foot can loosen many a grip. Indeed, your legs are the key to any successful hissy-fit. You see, once the legs come into play, the takedown becomes a strong possibility, and we all know a takedown means victory.

There are a million ways to take someone down with your feet, but I’m only covering the two most effective methods here. The first takedown method is a classic sweep. Long practiced in kung fu battles and youth soccer matches, the sweep involves hooking the foot of your opponent and pulling it out from underneath them. The momentum of the sweep should be strong enough to send the other person tumbling to the ground. The second method is the more impressive (but much more dangerous) tangle. The tangle requires you to simultaneously kick and wrap your legs around the legs of the other. Basically, you want to become a human knot. It’s usually accompanied by wild body movements, gnashed teeth and clawed hands (if still free).

Play your cards right and the hissy-fit can get you anything. Of course there are a few tips you should keep in mind. Much like writing, know your audience. In other words, if you mess with the wrong person, you might get stomped out. Opposite sex pairings are usually necessary for a successful fit. Always stretch before throwing any tantrums, lest you cramp up at a crucial moment. Remember to use your environment! Kicking up dirt can burn the eyes and create confusion. It also gets you both dirty, which could lead to a quick surrender. Sticks and rocks are also fair game and will increase your reach. Finally, remember what you are fighting for; it sucks to win and come away with nothing.

If you put these few simple pointers into action, you will be a glorious spaz someday. Oh the things you will have (and the pride you will lose)! So I say to you, carpe diem! Get out there and start acting like babies! Ladies and gentlemen, I bid you good whining!