Ghostface is so tight precisely because he says ill shit like that. Dude comes hard and still makes you think. Given that, I’m not sure where we go from here, but I’m hoping it’s at least in the upward direction. I got a feeling it’s going to take awhile though. Quit cryin’, the rap game ain’t done yet! If you don’t believe me, go check out Jneiro Jarel (Myspace it, dummy!). J.J. will make it all better!

Just like me, they long to be close to you. You don’t look like you get it. So, last time I posed a bunch of questions, and these here are the answers. Yes, I’m for real. No, I’m not stupid, just maybe a little more demanding than some writers. It’s like a game! I know it’s sad, but this is how I have made it thus far in life. As for the future, I hope to be the first man to walk on the moon without the aid of a spacesuit. I doubt it will ever be possible, but a man should have dreams! You know you want to. You’re also pissed that you didn’t think of it first.

I think about a lot of random shit when I’m driving. Those thoughts become columns, and you (lucky you!) get to read them. Please accept my sincerest apologies. At least I don’t let it affect my driving, like some of you. When driving in town, it’s OK to take a turn faster than two miles per hour. You also shouldn’t stop the instant you see a rain drop hit your window. Similar logic applies to the freeway. There is no reason for you to slow down at the causeway. It’s just like any other road, just slightly elevated and very straight! Somehow you all have learned to survive in the midst of unnecessary chaos. Yes, even that asshole turning into oncoming traffic.

I don’t know who that was, or why she’s here, but she was fine as hell. Oh you know her, but she doesn’t know you. I’ve been there, homie. She seems cool though. Introduce me. Nice to see you. I’m doing well, thank you. Sorry my lovely friend forgot to introduce me, my name is Bocephus. I noticed you weren’t wearing a ring. I was surprised to see such a bare finger on such a pretty girl. What a coincidence”¦ I’m single, too. Sure, I would like to have kids some day. Wow, four kids by the age of 24! That’s”¦ amazing! Four different baby daddies! I’m gonna call you “Marathon” because you been around the track a few times. I’m sorry.

It’s not that I’m attracted to crazy; it’s more like crazy is attracted to me. At least let me get something out of it. You are such a black widow, and I am totally caught in your web. I guess I like to fix things, but I need to learn to let go. Yeah, I’m serious; I want your friend’s number. It’s cool”¦ I know where the door is. There are other fish in the sea!

I write these articles to both torture and amuse. Who knows how I got here? The fact is, here I am. “Here” is wherever I want it to be. I know”¦ I’m getting too esoteric. I’m a deep thinker, I always have been. I talk to myself because I always listen. But I’d like you to hear me too. I hope you can. That’s usually why I act the way I do. It’s also why I say the crazy things I say. I love you.

I thought I received a message from space, but it turned out to be my friend, Kevin. He constantly loses his phone, and yet somehow always retains my number. When he calls, that’s the conversation we have. We call him Cosmic.

Drug dealers are late because they are higher than Cosmic off their own product. Cops are late because it takes a while to fill up a Big Gulp and eat a whole bag of Funyuns. God forbid you make them spill; they will be sweatin’ your ass harder than the swine flu. I’d rather we got along, but some people are just assholes I guess. The ones that aren’t assholes are too busy sitting on theirs. They forget me. I must be invisible.

I get it”¦ you’ve had enough. I saw your friends sneak away earlier. I’m glad you hung in there and I hope you liked my little experiment (or at least didn’t hate it!). I can hang with “sort of like” as well, or “like in theory””¦

Bocephus Chigger