Dr Oz Snake Oil

Dr. Mehmet Oz has some serious bona fides. He went to Harvard for undergrad, University of Pennsylvania for medical school and is a professor of surgery at Columbia Medical School. He has been blessed with a TV show and an advice column, as well. More importantly, Dr. Oz is also a shill for anyone that is willing to pay him to endorse shitty medicine. The good doctor makes a lot of cash doing all of this despite the poor quality of the actual advice he is giving.

Dr. Bocephus Chigger also went to undergrad and later received a doctorate of sorts. Dr. Chigger is, however, not a medical doctor and has received no medical training other than a CPR safety course he took in 2004. Dr. Chigger firmly believes that he can give questionable advice that the people want to hear and can do it better than Dr. Oz.

Dr. Chigger also likes money and would like all of the titans of industry out there with holes burning in their pockets to start sending in the endorsement deals. He will even consider the ones that Dr. Oz turned down! You would be foolish not to take this offer. For those that are still unsure, see how Dr. Chigger handles some of the same questions people have asked Dr. Oz in his advice column on Oprah.com.

Q: Do chickens and cows get cancer? And if so, is it dangerous to eat cancerous meat? 
A: Sure, why the hell not? Everything seems to be able to get cancer. I’m sure cancer could even get cancer if it wanted to. Such is the way of the world, am I right? Fortunately, we have ways to fight cancer like eating Jujyfruits and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. When added to a healthy diet, these wonder substances can magically help your body rid itself of cancer.

Of course, we can’t go schmearing fake butter and gelatin candies all over our delicious filet mignons, so what do we do with cancerous meat? First, remember what your mom told you and cut the bad parts off. If cutting will leave you with nothing, then you may have to go for a different approach. It may sound counterintuitive, but when the cancer can’t be cut away, try blowing some smoke at it. I recommend Marlboro Reds for their smoky good flavor or Marlboro Lights if you are watching your figure.

Q: Is there a natural way to ease my allergy symptoms?
A: What would you say if I told you that one of the best ways to ease allergies has been right in front of your face the whole time? Your nose knows what I’m talking about. If you want the sniffling to stop, just remove the real culprit: your nose. Doctors are calling this a miracle cure for allergies and the procedure itself couldn’t be any easier. All you need is a towel, a 1.75mL bottle of Svedka Vodka and my patent-pending nose removal device, NoNo’s. Simply drink the Vodka to the point of numbness before removing your nose with the NoNo’s device. Next, hold the towel against your face until the bleeding stops or you lose consciousness, whichever happens first. When you wake up, your nose and allergy symptoms will be gone, and you will love your new carefree lifestyle!

Q: Is there an easy way to naturally elevate my mood?
A: Tired of being down in the dumps, huh? Depression is a big problem in the modern world, and science is only just now starting to come to grips with how this disease and other mood depressors work. Back in the ‘80s, I would have told you to do some coke and watch an episode or two of Doogie Howser, M.D. if you wanted to feel good about the world. While Neil Patrick Harris may still be able to bring a smile to your face, cocaine seems to have lost some of its mystical powers over the last 20 or 30 years.

Kids these days like their Molly to help them get loose. Obviously, that drug isn’t necessarily natural, but rest assured, there are real natural and newly legal alternatives to illegal drugs. Thanks to a recent rebranding and a subsequent oversight by the FDA, my No. 1 best-selling (and formerly banned) herbal ecstasy supplement is about to be re-released into the market under the new brand name “Dr. Chigger’s Good Golly Miss Molly.” These wonder pills are full of all the things that make you feel good and that fall into the cracks of the patient couch at my illegal psychiatry practice. We also add just a pinch of agave syrup to make them taste great and justify the high price.

Q: What should I look for on a sunscreen label? 
A: Five simple words: “Endorsed by Dr. Bocephus Chigger!” Nothing else matters.

-Bocephus Chigger