People say it’s impossible to predict the future, but I think that’s because they’ve never actually tried. Stop being so defeatist, people, it’s easy to predict the future. I’m going to do it right now, and if I can do it, anyone can.
As 2015 ends, we should probably look forward to 2016, since it’s the next chronological year. Once the clock strikes midnight, signifying the shift from Dec. 31 to Jan. 1, the year that we knew as 2015 will be gone forever. It will be the New Year … which will be 2016, as previously mentioned.
See what I did there? I just predicted the future. I even did so accurately. See how easy that was?
If this feels like deja vu, that’s because we really have been here before. A year ends every year. Don’t think about that too hard, because it will blow your mind. To blow your mind even further, I’m going to predict a few more things that will happen in 2016.
I’m Getting Married in March: While you may find it hard to believe, I have convinced a young woman to marry me. I’m as shocked as you are. We’re getting married in March 2016. I know this will happen, because we’ve already set a date with a venue and a church and have spent roughly the gross national product of a small island nation on the whole thing already. Even if said bride-to-be comes to her senses and decides she’s better off without me, I’m still going to get married in March, even if I have to stand there by myself and pantomime the whole ceremony, because the cheapskate who dwells deep in my heart won’t let all that money go to waste.
Whatever Money I Don’t Spend on My Wedding, I’ll Spend on Magic:The Gathering: That cheapskate who dwells deep in my heart seems to have no qualms about me paying a biweekly tithe to Wizards of the Coast in exchange for their brightly colored 63-by-88 millimeter pieces of cardboard. I sort of blame Vice and their short, yet fascinating, documentary, Magic: the Gathering – Inside the World’s Most Played Trading Card Game, for reigniting my love for the game. Or at least for collecting the cards. I don’t really play the game. I do sometimes, but even though it’s “the world’s most played trading card game,” I don’t really know anyone who plays … I guess because I’m almost 40. But they’re just so cool. They have dragons and angels and elves on them and stuff. I even have a couple of unicorns.
I Predict You’re Judging Me Right Now: Don’t lie! You totally are! I don’t judge you for your stupid shit—at least not to your face—so just stop! Please … ?
I’m a perfect four-for-four so far on my predictions for 2016, but you’re probably saying to yourself that I’m taking the easy way out. I’m just making personal predictions. What about the whole wide world? Well, OK, try this one on for size:
We Will Elect a New President on Nov. 8, 2016, and the Process of Doing So Will Make Us Sick: The Wall Street Journal has posted a Presidential election calendar on their website, marking all the major events along the campaign trail from now until The Big Day, from debates to primaries to National Conventions for both major parties, and I can’t help but look at it and feel queasy. It makes me think of all the Facebook posts we’re going to have to endure, all the useless bickering from both sides, all the “facts” that people are going to throw in our faces, all the petty name-calling and finger-pointing. Look at the people who are running for President of the United States in 2016. Just look at them. Ben Carson is a neurosurgeon who doesn’t believe in dinosaurs. Ted Cruz filibustered a session of Congress by reciting Green Eggs and Ham. I’m pretty sure Hillary Clinton will say or do anything as long as it ensures that it will get her elected. There’s a Bush somewhere in the mix too, right? I could’ve sworn there was a Bush, because really, what’s a presidential race without a Bush involved? I don’t even want to say the T-word. There’s a killswitch in my brain that prevents me from speaking the words “President Tr … u …” See? I can’t even type them. It’s crazy. But maybe you’re feeling the Bern. Yeah, I like him too. He’s old, kooky and really liberal. I totally want to be Bernie Sanders when I grow up. I love his Brooklyn accent and his crazy hand gestures. But close your eyes. Look far ahead to Jan. 2017, which at this present time is even beyond my vision. Do you see President Sanders delivering his inaugural address? If you do, I’d love to have some of what you’re smoking.
For MJP. RIP to you, my dear friend.
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