Learning never ends. Kids think that once you get older, you don’t have to go to school anymore, but much like with everything else, those little bastards don’t know shit about shit. I’ve spent almost 21 years of my life in pursuit of a formal education. I have obtained a high school diploma, a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology, a Juris Doctorate, $200,000.00 in student loan debt and even I am not done yet. Despite all of these achievements, I am still required to attend continuing legal education conferences every year, and I am not alone. Doctors, engineers, real estate agents and most other professionals are required to complete some form of continuing education classes.
There is no need to sugarcoat it; most people come to these conferences because they have to. If allowed a choice, I’m guessing 99 percent of the attendees at any given conference would rather be picking up dog shit with their teeth than spend a Saturday in a random hotel conference room with their colleagues and peers. This yearning for freedom unites us, but it is not enough on its own to keep us happy. Fortunately, there is plenty of fun to be had.
Believe it or not, some people actually come to these things for the guest speakers. Conference planners try their best to get interesting people to speak about advancements in a given field and sometimes they actually succeed. Many of the speakers at my conferences are other lawyers who are basically trying their hardest to point out the incompetence of everyone else in the room while elevating themselves above the fray. Sometimes they know what they are talking about, but they almost always come off as dicks. Fortunately, they are usually followed by the ex-junkie who is there to talk about substance abuse. His stories are head and shoulders above everyone else who will speak. This dude is a human train wreck and there is much to be learned from him.
When the speakers aren’t talking at you, they might just let you ask them questions. If the junkie didn’t make you laugh, then the inane questions of your colleagues probably will. This is your opportunity to learn how stupid your peers truly are; and I got to say, I’m surprised every time. It’s almost guaranteed that one person will keep his hand raised with questions during the entire Q&A period. Each question will leave the room dumber than it was before, until eventually, the speaker will stop calling on him. He will never get the hint, though, and he will use every last bit of energy he has to keep his hand held high. Pity this fool, but not too much. The only one worse than him is the person who asks questions that he already knows the answers to just to seem smart. In actuality, he is the dumbest one there.
If the questions alone don’t tip you off on the level of genius surrounding you, then try looking around the room. Conferences offer some of the best people-watching possible. This last time around I saw a woman walk in, sit down in a wheel chair in the front row and spend the rest of her day making hippy jewelry as the speakers stared on in disbelief. Her husband was wearing a girdle with his big ass gut hanging out. Another guy was passed out with his head tilted back and his mouth wide open. Had I planned ahead and brought some grapes, his gaping yap would have made for an excellent basketball hoop.
If mouth basketball isn’t your thing, then maybe all the promotional schwag will entice you. Industries that service yours will be there in spades, and they will have crap for you to take home. While it’s mostly pens and desk calendars, you might come up on a free yo-yo or a stress ball if you are lucky.
In addition to free crap, you are usually entitled to a free meal or two, so don’t forget to bring your appetite. Bagels, muffins, fresh fruit, juice and coffee for breakfast…buffets with desert for lunch…for those broke dicks out there like me, it’s time to get fat off the land. And when the day is done, swooping up a few drinks is easy when the company credit cards come flying out. Expense it, I say… It’s been a long day and you have earned it.
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