From The Desk of President Donald Trump

Dec. 28, 2018
Dear Diary,
You are the only one left that I can trust, Trump. OK, let’s be honest for once … you’ve always been the only one I can trust. The rest of these bimbos and losers are always out to get me, but I won’t let them. I am smarter than them, more handsome than them and definitely richer than them. I know how to run a business better. I am the goddamn President of the United States of America! So why won’t anyone listen to me anymore?

In the old days, I’d just look at them coldly and say, “You’re fired!”™, but this whole “government” thing keeps getting in the way now. I keep telling everyone this system is not working for me and we need to get rid of it, but nothing happens. I need more control to get things done. I’ve had Vice President Cruz working on that for a while now, but I think that son of a bitch is holding out on me. I might have to cut him loose on the next go around and get someone that’s more of a pushover like Jeb. He’ll do what I tell him.

Why don’t people listen to me? I am excellent. I am a wonderful, tremendous man. I have made the White House a classy place again. I am the greatest president this country has ever had the pleasure of electing, probably, and I am doing a spectacular job. What’s not to like?

So we had some problems with the Mexicans. First thing, the door is beautiful. No one can deny that. I got rid of those rapists and criminals like I promised. If some people got upset, pardon me for tearing apart your families and throwing your lives into chaos, but I have a country to run. And I really don’t see why people are blaming me for all of the food shortages that followed. Those lazy farmers just let the food die in the fields because they claimed no one was left to pick it. We’ll see if they change their tunes when I cut the farm subsidies next year!

America should be loving me right now. Our relationship with Russia is excellent. It’s never been better. Putin is grateful that we helped him stamp out that little skirmish in the Ukraine. People might doubt me at business, but no one saw that move coming. It was pure military genius. The UN might not agree, but what do those jerks know anyway?

So we lost a couple of trade partners. BIG DEAL! That let us bring some of those outsourced manufacturing jobs back to the States, where they belong! So what if the jobs pay less than what they used to. Getting rid of the minimum wage was the right thing to do. That idea polled very well amongst my friends and business associates, aka people in the know.

A few people are still complaining that everything costs too much now. If these people want more than what they can afford, they need to get off their lazy asses and work harder. They need to stop being losers and start winning like me. Take the economy for example. Things were rough until I sold Alaska to the Russians in an amazing deal. It was probably the deal of the century. I made a killing on the back end and got to keep the old state capitol building as my private residence. If these people are really struggling, they might try selling some stuff first. It worked out great for me!

That’s what I don’t get. Things seem like they are going great for me, but people seem resentful. They call me selfish, but America doesn’t get it. I am the President and I decide what we are going to do, so I get the biggest piece. If you don’t like it, go live somewhere else.

Americans want me to treat them like I expect to be treated, but how could I? They don’t have their names on the sides of buildings in big, gold letters like me. They don’t own golf courses and beach resorts! They aren’t the President of the United States! They definitely don’t have a daughter that’s hotter than mine, either; not one I’d want to have sex with, anyway. I am simply a better person than everyone else in every way, so how can they expect me to treat them the same way as I expect them to treat me? That would be ridiculous! I am Donald J. Trump, who the fuck are you?

Donald Trump