Fall is back and you know what that means: new TV shows! Each autumn our network overlords throw us a fresh batch of random shit to watch. I took a peek at the actual shows premiering this year and it’s not good. What will I mindlessly stare at for 30 to 60 minutes at a time? Saddened by the dismal showing, I got to thinking of a few ideas of my own. What you are about to read will change the face of television forever.
Whatever happened to Don Knotts? Dead. Humphrey Bogart? Kaput. Corey Haim? Too good for this world. It’s like all the big stars are gone! Wouldn’t it be great if these fine fellows and all of our other deceased favorites could be back in the spotlight again? Well, that’s exactly what happens in The Comeback Kings. Modern-day Hollywood is collapsing on itself and needs an injection of life, but there just aren’t any good actors left. All that changes when a mad scientist (played by former Friends star David Schwimmer) approaches the studio heads with a plan to reanimate the corpses of Hollywood’s biggest former stars and usher in a new golden age in film. All of your favorites will be back and better than ever (well maybe the same as ever, but that’s still good)!
It seems like every year we get another drama about doctors or lawyers. I, for one, am sick of it. When are these people going to try something truly risky? What we need is a medical malpractice drama! Now that’s television! Think of the potentially juicy storylines involving defective prosthetic legs, erectile dysfunction/hyper-function and leaky colostomy bags. Isaiah Washington (who left Grey’s Anatomy for hating the gays) has expressed interest in playing the lead. Negotiations over the sexual preferences of Mr. Washington’s cast mates are nearly complete and filming is scheduled to begin soon on Juris Doctorate.
The supernatural is huge right now, and I’ve got a plan to cash in on the hype. A werewolf, Frankenstein and a vampire (played by Malcolm Jamal Warner, Dustin Diamond and Charlie Sheen, respectively) own a tenement building for monsters in Brooklyn, N.Y. Things are going well for the guys until one of their tenants (a witch) disappears from her apartment in the middle of the night, leaving behind her recently born witch daughter. The guys are forced to raise the young witch with hilarious results. It’s The Addams Family meets Three Men and a Baby meets Good Times. Monster House will be great for the family no matter how much of a beast you are!
Loosely scripted and heavily edited to form a narrative, “reality TV” is so close to politics, it’s a wonder the two haven’t yet formally crossed paths. That’s all about to change with America’s Next Top President. Ten natural born citizens will square off in the competition of their lives. The issues will be glossed over, the catty drama exposed. Candidates will compete on such tasks as baby kissing, hand gesturing during speeches, Orwellian bill-naming strategies and concealing the truth from the American people. When the dust settles, only one will remain standing to claim the title of America’s Next Top President.
Of course, presidential glory is not for everyone. Some people are just trying to live and, better yet, get paid while they do. That’s the idea behind Out of Bounds, a new game show possibly coming to the CW next fall. On Out of Bounds, we take a family from the Waziristan region of Pakistan and have them trade homes and lives with an American family from Tucson, Ariz. Watch as each family does their best to figure out their new culture before the people around them decide to imprison or kill them. The family that survives the longest and/or kills the most infidels/terrorists wins a $100,000 cash prize.
I know. It’s hard to choose isn’t it? They all have so much potential. More importantly, I would not be surprised to find one of these shows on television. It’s everything they want us to want, taken a few levels further. And if TV has taught me one thing, it’s that extremes are always better. Start warming up those DVRs!
-By Bocephus Chigger
bocephus@submergemag.com
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