What if genies were real? Would you be prepared to make great wishes if confronted with a magic lamp? Remember your film and childhood story history; genies are seasoned tricksters who will twist your wishes in ways that you couldn’t imagine or intend. The finder of the lamp always seems to end up worse off in the end, while the genie just laughs his ass off and goes about his merry way.

Don’t let this be you! You will want a game plan in case you are confronted with a wish-granting genie type of situation. Finding a genie is admittedly an extremely unlikely situation. But it is even more unlikely that you will find a second genie. Best not to blow it the first time.

The first thing you will want to do is make sure this “genie” is the real deal. Did you rub a lamp, bottle, urn, copper gravy boat or some other old-timey lantern? Did a genie materialize in your presence shortly thereafter from said container? Are you taking any hallucinogenic substances? If you answered yes to the first two questions only, then this might be your lucky day.

If you have freed a genuine genie from its receptacle, you, my friend, are owed a reward. Your newly liberated genie must grant you three wishes, so this is your chance to win big. Just don’t forget: genies will always try to screw you over and shit all over your wishes. In order to best protect yourself, once the apparition before you identifies itself as a genie, you should cease using the words, “I wish” in any capacity, unless you do intend to use one of your three wishes. That’s how they get ya!

Genies love to twist your words and turn your wishes into bizarro nightmare versions of themselves, so you can’t leave any room for error. Given that, your first wish, without question, should be, “I wish that you, [genie’s name], in your capacity as a magical genie, would grant me, [your name], 1 million wishes in lieu of the three wishes previously offered on [date of lamp rubbing].” If the genie allows this, you are golden. Anything can be fixed with a million tries and you could wish for a million more wishes at any time.

That could be the end of the story, but what if your genie is a real asshole? What if the genie says, “I have only three wishes to give, so I cannot grant you 1 million wishes?” Three is not a lot of wishes, but they can get the job done if you wish wisely.

Your first wish should be about money. Half of the other things you will wish for are just a matter of money, so just wish for the cash instead and buy what you need. When you do wish for money, don’t try to be clever and say something stupid like, “I want to be the richest man alive.” Rich is a relative term and will land you in hot water. What makes a man rich? Money or experience? Don’t leave that to the genie to decide, because he will make you the biggest goat herder in Mypos if given the chance. Instead, say something like, “I wish that you, [genie’s name], in your magical capacity as a genie, would deposit [obscenely large number] United States dollars into the account located at [name and location of your bank] bearing the account number [your account number].”

With your pockets lined fat, it’s time to help the rest of the world. You could wish for world peace, but you might just get a piece of the world (i.e., a rock). Wishing that there never be war again also means that we lose a fun card game you can play with a friend, and an amazing jazz/funk/soul/rock/R&B band from the 1970s. Instead of getting rid of War, we should be heeding their words with our second wish. Why can’t we be friends? Why not wish that no human being ever physically or mentally harmed another human being again? That goes beyond war and takes care of general suffering as well!.

Now that you are rich and the world is safe, what is your next move? I’d say give it a minute. There is no rule that you have to make all three of your wishes the moment you find a genie. Why not see how the first two play out and keep your third as a safety? Of course, if you already know what else you want to wish for then go for it. You could be smart, famous, sexy or powerful with just one wish. Just be careful what you wish for … you might just get it.

-Bocephus Chigger