Words by Miles Gladhammer and Bocephus Chigger
Among the 4/20 friendlies it is understood that the world would be a kinder and better place if the treasured buds were legalized. Under the influence, we’re less agitated–the continued existence of Phish cover bands posing as jam bands is proof of that. We’ve compiled a brief, albeit fittingly lazy, list of activities and items more enjoyable after a little cannabis. After some intense market research, we feel confident, in some cases, to even suggest the proper strain.
Go to Rick’s Dessert Diner
It’s Mecca for Sacramento stoners. Multi-layered cakes, brownies and pies, oh my. You just took three bong loads and the only thing that will serve as icing on that cake is, literally, icing on a cake. Rick’s does not disappoint.
Clean your house
All you do is lie around and get high. So why the fuck is your house filthy? I know…you could seriously ponder this conundrum for hours (and you have, which is why your house is still dirty). Sure, it sounds like work, but before you know it, you will be hitting that bathroom grout with a bottle of 409 and a toothbrush. Corporations have known this for years. That’s why those scrubbing bubbles talk in the commercial. Only a dope fiend would buy a talking cleanser.
Nurse your hangover
You just woke up after a night of drinking three double vodka tonics at Benny’s on Q Street and your head and gut are jacked. Too queasy to eat and unable to hold down much water, you reach for the pipe. Damn that feels so much better. Your headache is gone, your appetite is back and you could almost drink a beer. I said almost. Just keep tending that bowl.
Watch bad movies
Those Cheech and Chong movies really aren’t that good, and yet they survived the transfer to DVD and possibly Blu-ray. Do you want to know why? It’s because your high ass will sit on the couch all day and watch that shit. It seemed hilarious at the time because that’s what weed does. The same holds true when your girlfriend forces you to watch Sex and the City 2. Just tell her you have to take care of something real quick and you will be right over. Yes honey, Sarah Jessica Parker is a great actress!
Create new recipes
You can be an Iron Chef/Top Chef/Chopped Chef too. Your secret ingredient is the sticky-icky! Just get lit and take inventory of the contents of your fridge. I’m pretty sure that’s what the creators of these shows did, so it should be good enough for you. Of course Chinese hot mustard will taste good on those gingersnaps. Stop second-guessing yourself. Afraid to tackle a main course? Start off with a dipping sauce for something that’s been deep-fried. It’s going to be either great or hilarious. It’s a win/win!
La Garnacha on 16th Street
You live nowhere near U Street, but the journey is rationalized since it never closes, meaning the curse of “stoner time” never limits consumption. Stay sober and La Garnacha is a myth. Smoke a little Romulan Grapefruit and the ghost of an Aztec shaman starts whispering enticements of breakfast burritos in your ear, making the 15 blocks to La Garnacha comparable to the golden quest for El Dorado.
4:20 p.m. on a weekday
Stoners must never have much going on if this is considered the prime hour for sparking up, or perhaps those little airheads are on to something. The workday is filled with dreaded hours, but the remaining 40 minutes rank high as the hand seems to tick the slowest in this span. Freak one of your cigarettes with some Querkle (clinically recommended for daytime highs), take a smoke break and you’re practically teleporting to the end of the workday. Dinner will taste better, as will that happy hour beverage when it relieves your cottonmouth.
We won’t front, there are dozens of alternate substances far more suitable for enhancing the time spent absorbing the warbles from the woofer. But do any of those substances have a worldwide holiday in their honor? Are endorsers of those drugs writing letters to government officials demanding legalization? Hell naw! Check in early for the free stamp at ToHo, bounce and swipe the card on a zip Afghan Kush; by the time that’s set in, you’ll be floating above the dance floor.
The freaking conversations you endure until the joint makes it back around–and you swear after this toke you’re jetting. Then you start to think it will reflect negatively on your character to puff and run. An hour later you’re eight months deep into camping stories of following Widespread Panic last year, and this guy keeps ruining Aqua Teen Hunger Force episodes by quoting Handbanana lines seconds before they happen. But you’ve seen the episode a dozen times too, and a new joint is making the rounds. Might as well stick around another 15 minutes.
Writing pot fodder
I will never apply for an editorial position at High Times, nor will I start a weed diary blog reflecting upon the finer points of various strains. Once a year though, I will agree to put my bachelors in creative writing to use by farcifying a minor in cannabis studies. With a bag of sticky paid with my Submerge check, I don my thinking headband and open the green doors of perception. It’s embarrassing enough to hide behind a pseudonym. See also: incriminating.
Mark your calendars, 4/20 is on April 20, which falls on a Wednesday this year. Haha J/K. We know you don’t have a calendar.