It’s early October and with only about two-and-a-half months to go, it is clearly time to start talking about Christmas. By Christmas, what I really mean to say is presents, or to put it more succinctly, things you will want to buy for yourself or others in the next two-and-a-half months. It’s an incredible time of year when you and your money part ways for mostly useless stuff pushed on you by Corporate America.

At Chigger Family, we don’t consider ourselves above the fray and have no intention of missing out on this holiday season cash grab. That’s why we are here to bring you two exciting new products just in time to add to your holiday wish list! But before we move on to these fantastic products, let’s take a moment to clear the air a bit.

We sincerely apologize for the mix up last month with our Face-Melter Pepper Spray and Mama Chigger’s Caliente Salsa Brands. We have isolated the issue on our bottling line and have rectified the situation. For those not injured by our Face-Melter Pepper spray that instead enjoyed the taste of our delicious salsa, consider yourselves lucky and don’t forget to try our other Mama Chigger branded foods! For those who were injured while consuming Face-Melter Pepper Spray from a Mama Chigger’s Caliente Salsa jar, we extend our sincerest regrets and are in the process up setting up a rebate line for those with proof of purchase to get a coupon for a free replacement jar of (actual) Mama Chigger’s Caliente Salsa. Feel the flavor of Mama Chigger’s Caliente Salsa!

We don’t just do wonderful things like that because our lawyers tell us we have to, we do them because we care. At Chigger Family, you’re family. That’s why we have been studying you in excruciating detail. We’ve been buying your pictures from Facebook for our ads and combing through data dumps left by hackers on Pastebin for your passwords, credit card numbers, Social Security numbers, dates and places of birth, mothers’ maiden names, first cars, high school mascots, pets’ names (past and present) and your favorite places/foods/persons/books/songs/movies. So when we say we know you, we really do!

That’s why we know you will love our first new product: the Selfie Toilet! Our research shows us that everyone wants to be a star. People are trying to get famous by posting pictures and short videos of themselves on the Internet. Everywhere you go, people are taking pictures of themselves to share with friends or post on the Internet at large in the hopes that the world will take notice, but it almost never happens. Do you want to know how to really get everyone’s attention? Buy the Selfie Toilet from Chigger Family and find out!

The Selfie Toilet takes a photo from your toilet’s perspective whenever any of the 100 sensors that line the rim of the bowl are triggered. The toilet cam is based off a RED camera and shoots at 4k resolution at up to 120 frames per second. You can choose the best photo from our handy iOS and Android apps and post them directly to your favorite social networks with tags, descriptions, comments and emoji. You have never seen your ass like this and neither has anyone else! You could be the next Kardashian for the low, low price of only $74,999.99.

I’ll let you catch your breath for a moment because you are going to need it again before you hear about our next exciting new product. Are you tired of missing your favorite shows when you go swimming? Hundreds of swimmers die every year from taking their televisions into their pools to watch while they swim. The problem is close to becoming an epidemic, but luckily, the engineers at Chigger Family have stepped in and come up with a wonderful solution.

The answer has been right in front of our faces the whole time, but it took the geniuses at Chigger Family to put it all together. Aquavision HD Swim Goggles will let you swim with all of your favorite celebrities forever, or at least until the batteries run out. The Aquavision HD Swim Goggles come equipped with two waterproof 1080p screens fitted into a pair of comfortable and fashionable swim goggles. A pair of waterproof wireless headphones will work in conjunction with the Aquavision HD Swim Goggles to provide sound and are sold separately. Relive your favorite scenes from such classics as Jaws, Psycho, Titanic and Finding Nemo right in your own backyard pool for only $999.99! Just don’t forget to come up for air.

These two wonderful products are sure to be a hit this holiday season and may even sell out. If you like the Selfie Toilet or the Aquavision HD Swim Goggles, and want one for your very own, simply send a $100 nonrefundable deposit to the Submerge HQ, c/o Bocephus Chigger. Payments may be made in the form of cash, check, cashier’s check or money order made out to “Cash.” Delivery of the Selfie Toilet and Aquavision HD Swim Goggles cannot be guaranteed by Dec. 25, 2015. Welcome to the Chigger Family!